Battling impostor syndrome as a software engineer

Battling impostor syndrome as a software engineer

Photo by Matheus Farias on Unsplash

Impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome or “impostorism” is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Despite external evidence of their competence, people experiencing impostorism do not believe they deserve their success or luck.

It has been estimated that nearly 70% of us will experience symptoms of impostor phenomenon at least once in our lives. It is spread equally among men and women and occurs in various settings, such as a new living environment, academia, social interactions and relationships, and — perhaps most of all — the workplace.

Impostorism in IT

In my experience, impostor syndrome is exceptionally present in IT. Almost all of the people I have worked with — engineers, analysts and designers alike — have at one time confessed feelings of being a fraud or a fake, or of feeling inadequate for their jobs.

This is only logical because of the nature of the IT sector.

For one, it actively promotes perfectionism. In software, things are either right or wrong — hence the culture of testing. This is, of course, excellent development practice, but with insecure people, you can see how it may stimulate fear of failure. Ask yourself, for instance, would you go to sleep easily on a day your tests keep failing and you don’t know why?

Secondly, the IT business is full of very intelligent people. Some experience this as a privilege or a stimulating work environment, but it can also lead people to compare themselves to the (perceived) standards of others. For instance, when your colleagues have computer science degrees and you are perhaps self-taught.

Thirdly, when things go wrong in IT — which they inevitably do sometimes — it is often very ease to put the blame on someone. While some companies are already actively promoting a zero-blame culture, others still analyse issues in terms of who messed up here? This mindset is even engrained in our tools. Just think of the psychology behind a command like git blame !

Finally, IT is a fast-paced work environment with lots of people coming and going. I know people who have walked away from great jobs because of impostor syndrome, only to end up in the same situation with the next job. And with the recent wave of lay-offs in the sector, I can only imagine what getting fired would do for someone who is already feeling like an impostor…

Fear of failure

Impostor syndrome is not recognized by “official” manuals like the DSM or ICD, and that’s fine by me. Impostorism is nothing but a particular example of a much more fundamental aspect of human emotion: fear. There are three basic forms of fear: fear of change (or death), fear of abandonment and fear of failure (the latter two being closely related).

With impostor syndrome, it’s obviously fear of failure, and fear of being abandoned because of that failure, that is underneath. This is perhaps the most human form of fear. You won’t see a tiger doubting its ability to climb a tree or a hawk in disbelief that it can soar the skies. Animals know their capabilities and rely on them. People are afraid to fail, even if they know their capabilities.

Another typically human trait that is related to and exacerbates this fear of failure, is what is our so-called inner storyteller. I’m talking about your inner monologue and how it can quickly turn towards the negative. Imagine you are about to deploy an important new feature and observe your train of thought. Are you excited about the customer feedback or are you dreading their response? How will your team lead react? Are you proud to show them your work or are you already thinking of potential flaws in your code? What will your colleagues say? Will they applaud your technical choices or are you already anticipation that one person who is always critical?

What can I do about it?

In all of the above, it is important to acknowledge that a small degree of fear of failure is natural. Anticipating problems (storytelling) and thinking twice before doing something (fear of failure) are indeed human traits, which can be beneficial if they lead to self-preservation or self-improvement. That’s why tigers sometimes fall from trees, while people use ropes when they go climbing…

With impostor syndrome, though, we are far from such “ecological” or normal fear. This is Fear with a capital F — crushing, debilitating fear, spells of anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness, heart palpitations, headaches, and so on. Symptoms you can’t handle by taking a scented bath or getting a massage, or indulging in a crazy night out with friends (although this is the stuff people try).

So what can you do about it? There are different strategies to handle impostor syndrome and while not all of them are as effective, you still need all of them to succeed.

Try this (but it’s not enough)

The first stage is mental. While many people with impostor syndrome know their capabilities, many are also truly convinced they do not have what it takes. So, be honest, how do you view yourself? Do you really believe in your skills and talents? Are you able to tell a co-worker or your boss that you’re good at your job? If you’re not, you need to work on your mindset and confidence. One concrete thing you can try, is writing up your CV. I have found it can help you realize your true potential and experience. In the vast world of software engineering it’s often easier to see what you can’t do than what can and have already done.

This helps (but it’s not easy)

The mental stage is only the tip of the iceberg, though. What you believe, is good start, but it is nowhere near enough. It’s what you feel, the emotional part, that counts. As said, many people know full well that they are competent engineers, but they still feel like an impostor! That’s why it’s vital to not only know what you’re worth with your head, but also with your gut. And that’s more than just a metaphor. As always with emotion, the answer is in your body. Think of a child being afraid in the dark. You can’t really convince it that there are no monsters under the bed. You can even go look, and it will still be afraid. But a warm hug, a soft reassuring voice and a night lamp will help. That’s because these things trigger a physical response, not a mental one, and fear is a physical phenomenon. So as an adult, you are emotionally responsible to help yourself turn this fear into self-love, and you can’t do this with your head.

This works (but it takes time)

Clearing out the fear of failure from your body is not easy. And even if you succeed in getting rid of the negative emotions when they occur, this is still not a permanent solution. The only thing that will really change impostor syndrome is a therapeutical approach. It takes a skilled therapist to help you recognize and manage the physical feelings of stress and anxiety, and to help you work on what lies beneath your fear of failure. Really dealing with impostor syndrome means opening up that can of worms that will take you to your absent dad, your hypercritical mom, your overachieving brother, your manipulative friend, your demeaning teacher, your failed driver’s test, …

It gets better

Of course, the last step is the most difficult one. Many people are afraid (again, fear of failure!) to take it, because they think that if they open up, things will get worse instead of better. And the truth is, they might, but only in the very short run.

When I was battling my own demons, my tech lead at the time once said that he believed that if someone was absent for mental reasons, they would never return to their previous level. At the time, this worried me, as I looked up to him and was afraid he might be right. Now, I know different.

Therapy has made me a much stronger person and, therefore, a much more capable software engineer. But it’s true, there are no shortcuts. It’s going to take time and it’s going to hurt.

But you can do it.

---

If you want to know more about the psycho-therapeutical approach behind this blog, developed by psychiatrist dr. Tom Herregodts, check out his YouTube video Physics of fear

---

Hi! 👋 I’m Tom. I’m a software engineer, a technical writer and IT burnout coach. If you want to get in touch, check out https://tomdeneire.github.io