10 Tips for Tackling Mental Health Issues as a Software Engineer (or Anyone Else, Really)

Photo by Bekir Dönmez on Unsplash

Working as a professional software engineer can be a struggle — not only because of tight deadlines and steep learning curves, but also from a mental health standpoint. Many programmers experience high level of stress, have problems relaxing or sleeping, suffer from impostor syndrome, and ultimately end up battling anxiety, burnout or depression. Having experienced this downward spiral myself, people often ask me what was the key to my recovery. Obviously, there is no such thing as one easy fix for everyone, but I do have 10 tips that can certainly help to keep you healthy or get you back on the right track. And while I’m writing with software engineers in mind, I’m sure there’s something here for everyone…

1. Do What You Love

First of all, I’m a big believer in doing what you love professionally. From the school principle who would rather be a music producer, over the NGO activist who dreams of owning a small book shop, to the data analyst who actually wants to paint fine art — every profession has their share of people who are not happy at their jobs, but stay because of the money, the hours or the prestige. However, in the long run, this only causes frustration and mental exhaustion. So start your journey towards more mental well-being at work by asking yourself: “Do I really enjoy this?” If the answer is no, go do something else. Life’s too short. And if you find yourself thinking “Yes, but…”, read the excellent F**ck It. Do What You Love, by John C. Parkin. He’ll convince you you’ll never be happy if you’re not doing what you love.

2. Listen To Your Body

Many people who are stuck in an environment they don’t enjoy or under a lot of stress, don’t even realize this themselves. Whether it’s a sense of work ethic, personal pride or financial concern, they just keep going and ignore the alarm bells until it’s too late. At this point, health issues usually kick in. When we experience anxiety and stress, our bodies produce cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline. This is a healthy and natural response, but in the case of a chronic build up of such stress hormones, it leads to physical ailments like chronic pain (headaches, back pain), digestive problems (heartburn, constipation), inflammation (skin rashes, bowel problems) or even heart conditions. This is your body’s way of saying “I’ve had enough”, and sooner or later you’ll need to listen to it, because the health issues will only become worse. I’ve experienced it myself and have seen it in many others too. For instance, a former colleague of mine, who struggles with anxiety and fear of failure, went to a dozen doctors over the course of a few years with an ever-growing list of complaints. She tried a number of treatments, spent weeks on medical leave, until she literally couldn’t go on any further. And then she resigned. I hope it was the right decision. Personally, I think the physical stuff was just one side of the story.

3. Be Honest With Yourself

This dovetails nicely into a third important aspect. Sooner or later (but sooner is better), we all need to starting being honest with ourselves. Often, the truth of the matter is in plain sight. Maybe it’s our partner who has been saying for years that we work too much, maybe it’s that friend who keeps asking “Are you sure you’re alright?”. Tackling mental health problems starts with being completely, even brutally honest with yourself. Look into the mirror, lose the ego, and ask yourself: “Am I happy? Do I love my job? Do I love my life? ” The realization that the answer may be “no”, is often the moment when people “crack”, when they lose the facade and start being honest. It’s hard, mind you, because this is also the moment when things get worse (because now you’re much more aware of them) before they can start getting better. Still, the first important step towards change is admitting you need change.

4. Go To Therapy

When you need change, you also need help. You often see people’s sense of pride or duty that got them over-stressed in the first place, interfering with their recovery too. Admitting you need to change is one thing, admitting you need help, is quite another. But it’s such an important aspect. We’re all so caught up in our own unique contexts that we often can’t see the forest for the trees. Whether it’s a psychiatrist, a therapist, or just a good friend — they often see truths and solutions, when all you yourself can see are questions and difficulties. Help, and preferably professional help, is extremely valuable for all stages of mental issues, be it a vague sense of bore-out or a full-blown clinical depression.

5. Face Your Fears

When you start tackling mental issues, things get scary pretty quickly. Admitting you have a problem is scary, seeking out help is scary, talking about your emotions is scary — suddenly you feel very small. But that’s a good thing. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my own process, it’s how much fear dominates our lives. There are three main types of fear: fear of abandonment fear of change and fear of failure — and together they are the root of many of our negative emotions and thoughts. Especially the last type seems very prominent in software engineering. I’m the first to admit that it was fear of failure that inspired my impostor syndrome, my anxiety, my debilitating perfectionism, my social communication issues, my sleep disorder, my lack of work-life balance. Facing these fears, understanding where they come from, realizing the impact they have on your physical and emotional well-being, and ultimately, learning how you can transform them into strength is the key to getting better.

6. Anger Management

A good indication of underlying fear, is anger — often also ignored or suppressed for years. This is clearly another area where many people cling to social expectations or the illusion of the moral highroad. People will tell you: “I’m not angry, I’m just (insert other emotion here)”. They’ll confess to being sad, disappointed, frustrated, and so on, but if you scratch the surface, you’ll soon see how much anger is there. Anger for that colleague who routinely criticizes their code, anger for that manager who has no idea of the complexity of a new feature, anger for themselves because they’ve been working on a problem all day without making any progress… And underneath that anger is fear: fear of the confrontation with said colleague, fear of losing your job, fear of failure. Admitting you’re angry and finding a suitable release for it, is another big step.

7. Learn To Say No

Recognizing your fears and your anger will soon lead to identifying a number of sore spots in your professional life. You’ll suddenly realize how much certain people, situations or decisions vex you, and once you do, there is no way back. Whereas in the past you’d just ignore colleague A or B as much as possible, you’ll slowly start confronting them. Or, where before you would just go along with the decision to adopt a new framework du jour, you’ll want to speak up. This is when you learn to say no, which is another thing that is surrounded with social and professional stigma nowadays. You’ll often read about how good employees are people with a Yes mentality, but for me, being able to say no at the right time is a vastly underrated skill. Saying no is about being assertive, about indicating your personal boundaries and about self-respect.

8. Eliminate Your Storyteller

People who work in software or other technical environments, are often highly rational. Many will have a strong inner monologue, analyzing weaknesses, questioning decisions, double-checking solutions, imagining worst-case scenarios, and so on. I call this your personal storyteller, and his voice is not always a pleasant one. For some people, myself included, this inner monologue can become relentless and debilitating, second-guessing ourselves every step of the way. Eliminating your storyteller is not an easy task for rational people operating in a rational environment. Getting out of your head involves getting into your body and your gut feelings. This may sound vague and spiritual, but it’s actually highly practical. It’s about stopping your thought process by focusing on the actual experience. For instance, instead of mentally reliving a failed debugging session (“What did I miss? Am I ever going to find the problem?”), you need to focus on that gnawing feeling in your stomach where all of this fear of failure is living. This is not pleasant either, but at least it gives you something concrete to work with. I’ve found that it’s much easier to try and work the fear out of my body, than to stop the creaking cartwheel of my thoughts…

9. Lose The Context

Once you’re aware of your storyteller, you’ll notice how much your life is dominated by words and ideas and scenarios. But if you strip all of that “context” away, things get really clear, really quickly. With context, you’ll think of a professional situation like this: “It’s true colleague A belittled me yesterday, but I did make a stupid mistake, didn’t I? Still, he can’t talk to me like that. I mean, okay, I know there’s no ill will involved and he’s had a tough year with COVID and all. So what should I do? If I go to the manager, I’m probably throwing oil on the fire. Maybe I’m overreacting?” And this goes on and on… Without context, the situation is like this: “I feel disrespected by colleague A. This needs to stop. I can’t account for his actions, but I can control mine. So next time I will speak up respectfully, and we’ll see where that gets us.”

10. Stop Reading Lists Like This One

At the very end of this list, I have a confession to make. I don’t actually believe in lists like this one, or in a bunch of tips and tricks for complex matters like improving mental health in a professional context. So my final advice is this. If you are experiencing mental issues (personal or professional), seek out help and start working on yourself. Books, podcasts or apps may all help along the way, but real change comes from real work. The kind that is not in a book, but comes for staring hard in the mirror and working on yourself. And while that’s hard work — probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do — it’s worth it.

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Hi! 👋 I’m Tom. I’m a software engineer, a technical writer and IT burnout coach. If you want to get in touch, check out https://tomdeneire.github.io