How to convince yourself that you are worthy to be a programmer (my IT career)

My first post and my first try to start an english blog. Cheers.

It's not gonna be that story when I knew from the start that I'm going to be a star and after a long way I made it finally. I'm still working on it.

IT? Not for me

All the way in school and university parents and friends was telling me that I'm good in the humanities, and I was definitely bad at math. I never dreamed to be a programmer, I was sure that it's too hard for me. But in high school I was taking a programming course just to learn something new and I have finished it (It was really fun! But I was the only girl in the class).

Then I enrolled the social faculty of the university. It was not as fun as I expected and I knew already that I don't want to work in this field, so I took another programming course (online this time), just in case.

I started my IT career as a support specialist. It didn't require much from me. I was watching some guys from IT department and then I started to think that maybe I could be one of them. I changed 3 companies and in the 3rd, where I was working in a support as well, I heard that they are looking for a frontend developer (and that's what I was learning in online courses!). I asked if I could be the one and they took me in.

I'm just a failure

It was my first job as a developer. I couldn't believe it. Even though I was writing only HTML as CSS, and I knew that It's not really a programming, it was super exciting. I worked there a whole year, I was asking my colleagues if I should start to learn JavaScript and use it in my work, but they told me that I should learn HTML and CSS better first. After a while I had to deal with some bugs in jQuery and It was super hard for me, I couldn't understand anything and I could stuck resolving one bug for days. I hated myself so much those days. My teamlead didn't know JS and didn't want to know (as he said), so I had none help. Then they hired a new smart guy, who knew React. And I was fired.

"Yeah, it's not for me, what did I expect really?" - that voice in my head almost convinced me, but I decided to try again. I was searching frontend job for 3 long month and nobody wanted me as a part of their team. And this question "Why did you leave your last job?" always gave me anxious. I just couldn't say "they fired me because I'm bad", so I was liying something.

Finally, when I almost lost any hope, after a short interview in some web study they hired me for a probation. I started to work there very hard. I started to write some JavaScript, and It was working! I was very proud of myself, I learned a lot, but I guess that was not enough, after 2.5 month I was fired, because, like they said, I haven't filled their expectation and didn't pass the probation.

I had a deep depression. I couldn't bring myself to start searching something else, even going out for food was like a torture. I don’t know if I could handle it without my friends (btw, 100daysofcode challenge helped me as well, even though I didn't finish it). I still had to pay rent, so after a month I started to send my resume everywhere. I did a lot of homeworks for vacancies, visited a lot of interviews, but in return I was gaining either silence or refusing. After a while when I opened a homework for another vacancy I started to feel sick. I closed it, I wanted to give up so hard.

So what?

I gave myself last chance. Just another interview and it will be over, I needed money desperately, so "If I fail this time, I'll go work to McDonalds" - I promised myself. On an interview they didn't even ask me any technical stuff, just about soft skills. They gave me homework, I was working on it almost without stopping for 2 days and then a guy from interview meeting called me. He said that my HTML and CSS code was not as good as it could be, but my JS code was on point (lol wut!). And they hired me.

I work there till now. I had my first project on Vue.js, learned Vuex and Vue router. There was a moment, when my team lead told me that he want to talk. I was thinking "uhg, they gonna fire me again, right?", but he gave me a raise. I am not a junior dev anymore! Not a very strong middle, I guess, but not a newbie (yay!).

Honestly, sorry for a long post, but I need more of this. I need to say, that being fired is normal and you shouldn't believe to those, who are saying that you are not worthy (even if it's your internal voice). Title is "How to convince yourself..", but I haven't convinced myself yet. I still think, that maybe I shouldn't be in IT, maybe I will not succeed. I think that this annoying voice will never leave me, and it's okay if you have it too.
But if I keep going, does it matter?

Please, tell me if you have experienced something like that. We are stronger together!