My previous article went into a personal dive into why I am like this (read it here). Now I need to talk about what I need to do to fix what went wrong. I also want to give shoutouts to the kind comments, of which multiple saved my life as I was letting myself slip further into darkness. The kind words meant a lot. So where to next?
In trying to prove everyone who hurt me wrong, I ended up with... well to say the least: A METRIC LOT OF WORK. Let's run through a shortened list of what I decided to work on all at the same time:
- TWO desktop operating systems based on Linux
- A FreeBSD desktop operating system
- A Linux server operating system
- A FreeBSD server operating system
- A markup language
- Have translated parts to HTML
- Have translated parts to CSS
- Integrated Microscripts (WTF WAS I THINKING!?)
- Custom COMPLEX tags (WHAT???)
- A Lisp-Like Syntax (which is not easy to make functional by any means... fun fact)
- A startup
- Dealing in software
- Making an online convention
- Game/Video/Music Publisher
- Game development
- Media creation
- A package management system
- Complex configuration
- Built to work with ANY package manager
- Supposed to use
- Software for FIVE OPERATING SYSTEMS:
- Pure OpenGL, No X11/GTK/Qtdesktop
- Complex application ideas
- Applications that merged other applications (why tho?)
- Systemd emulator/container
Remember... shortened list.
What's the solution? Ask for help, manage limits, and do one thing at a time. Simple.
Okay... I lied about the simple part because I never really learned to speak for myself and express myself. After my biological father who never really connected to me left to do drugs with a prostitute and/or stripper (later going to jail, now in rehab) never being all to close to me, and my first step-father being an abusive prick, I never felt able to talk about what happened to me in life. To muster up the courage to talk about why I was not doing well mentally in the last article took a lot of effort. I mean, it mentioned stuff I never told other friends or family.
Let me go into a bit of back-story. About a year and a half ago, I tried to run away, at the time I was breaking down for... a lot of reasons I wish to not go deep into. I ran off to my friend's house, then got brought to my grandmother's house, and moved into a new house where my family moved in a couple of months before I did. I still feel like a stranger here, but the reason this is important is that, well, I have never really been that stable. At the time I put myself in isolation until I snapped. I always thought of doing things alone, because I feared no one else wanted to help. Once I was actually in the Linux and FreeBSD community is when I finally started feeling safer enough to ask for help with issues, regarding software stuff at least.
Now, why was all that important? Well, I am just now learning to ask for help. That, fun fact, was describing how I felt under two weeks ago. Guess how much it changed me to have actually asked for help AND DIDN'T GET BULLIED! I was astounded and excited. I have even yet to understand how to manage my personal limits, or even focus on one thing at a time. I am new to this and honestly, it feels amazing. For the first time EVER I asked my teachers for help when some technology went haywire.
There is genuinely a lot more I have to know about myself. I am excited. This is a smaller update about my emotions about what my next steps will be. But this is only my re-beginning.