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Development and My Mental Health.

kailyons profile image KaiLikesLinux Updated on ・7 min read

Before we begin, I do wanna make it clear that later in this article there are multiple trigger warnings, this is because I do mention two very severe situations. Never feel like you are alone when dealing with any sort of issues, seek help, and take care of yourself. If you have any triggers regarding abuse and death, I would not be offended if you turn away now. If you are dealing with abuse or suicidal emotions at this time, 1. Don't read, no need to trigger negative emotions for no real reason, and 2. Get help if you have to. If you are dealing with it, call a hotline, if you are in danger, call 911. I want to make this clear as I don't want another person in my life whom I care about (even if I do not know you) to take their own life away. You are amazing, and you matter.

I have readers on this site, so why did I seemingly randomly abandoned it? Well, let's talk about stats and what they mean. Later, I will talk about what I have been doing, dealing with, and also share some personal information in my life I kinda need to share.

Here are my dashboard stats:

  • Followers: 849
  • Post Views: 169,958
  • Post Reactions: 814

I really gained traction on this site. Sure the follower count is not amazing for some but this is the first place EVER on my 10 years online (I am only 17) where I got 849 people following what I do. I will get why to why I have spent so long coming back, and why I might upload again in a minute.

So something obvious that might have happened is several large scale projects... and while I picked them up, I might have not done it in a healthy way. However, I have fun with these projects. I work on MEML, Arisblu/Arisred, UPM2, Fivnex non-software stuff, making games, and even making a donation section for Arisblu at my own Arisblu domain: Super cool. I even love how I make $2 a month from it, but at the same time money isn't what I have always wanted in life. Sure I am doing cool tech things, but there is a darker truth as to why I do it, why I do things and some thoughts on my mind as of late.

This next section gets personal, so be warned.

As of lately, I have been taking on more and more projects, and while there is a lot I want to keep doing, I do wanna kinda... shorten the scale I am doing. None of my projects are going to be canceled, but there is a bit of mental health I need to deal with.

I have not treated my mental health with the respect it deserves. I always want to prove to those who severely hurt me in multiple ways (no specifics will be given, not the place nor the time) and that is why I started Fivnex. However, I have gone down a cycle of that same issue before, and have never really been proud of it.

It's a very simple cycle: Get severely depressed, reminisce on who hurt me, start a company to prove them wrong, get worse, shut down the company, rinse and repeat.

I want to stop my cycles because I am finally tired of what I am going through. I want to feel successful for once, I want to actually learn. I want to put my past "companies" behind me, stop being the "I need to be an entrepreneur" and instead go "I want to be an entrepreneur." And for me to get better, I have to leave this platform. Why?

To put it simply... there is a toxic side to this platform. I won't lie, I refuse to lie. Sorry to Ben, the CEO of this place. Lovely platform in all ways but the community at times. Now, this "community" (it's really just overhyped fanboys on 12 alt accounts each) that is the major issue and causing the toxicity I have been dealing with is the Windows 10 people. I have honestly had no clue how utterly hostile Windows 10 was, and people honestly have the gall to insult Linux users for the "RTFM" attitude. 169,958 post views, but the majority come from 3 or 4 of them. Of the top 4 articles, 2 of them are archived, 33 of them mention Windows 10, and all 4 have honestly been nightmares. They got so big and people got so angry that the comments got really hostile or long. Some of them both, I couldn't tell you as often I just abandoned trying to read and reply to everyone. A majority of my articles never made it to 100 post views, yet the ones I kept posting because I was exhausted, angry, depressed, and trying to channel other emotions has made me boil myself out.

Some of my more recent articles have been... hostile... to say the least. I admit I screwed up on some of them. Others I stand by the facts, but not the tone. I am sorry for anyone I hurt and angered when writing recently.

I know I am no big star but part of me needs to be honest with the world, and tell myself publicly (so others can hold me accountable): I will stop quitting, I will get better.

This part gets MUCH deeper into projects & actual life issues, this won't be for everyone. This might even trigger negative emotions in some, so please if this is the time you feel like you should leave, leave. I will not be offended

I deal with bipolar disorder. I said it. Whoo-hah, some of you could probably guess that. I have to live with this disorder and so to heck with it. It is possible, and I can try and keep it so where I can actually have myself heal from what I have dealt with. Now, I am going into very deep situations, and this is the last trigger warning. Each of my project ties to someone who hurt me, or someone who I care about not doing well with their own issues. This is an overall trigger warning, last call. I won't be offended.

Anyways, if you made this far, then thank you. If people left, that's fine. Each of the 4 major projects that I am active in has someone part of a traumatic experience I have dealt with.

MEML - This was based on one of my closer friends a while back, who eventually raped me. He taught me my web development stuff, and helped me get inspired to use Clojure for a while. Actually, this is one of the reasons I refuse to touch Clojure again because many people over my life taught me web-dev, but he taught me Clojure. I honestly think that he (and others like him) really shaped my emotional situation and one of the major bad guys who really ruined me for myself.

Arisblu/Arisred - This project was not a clean one. The names do have very significant meaning to me. One of my friends who I met in middle school and kept all the way until the summer of this year took their own life. Now, every time I mention something like this, I always feel like making it clear: If you have suicidal emotions, get help. You matter, and people do care. You can, you WILL change someone for the better, and you will be better if given time. People aren't at the hotline centers to ignore you, so please give them a call if you need to. Anyways, with that aside. Their nickname was Ari, last initial S. Their favorite show ever was Red VS Blue from Roosterteeth. They were one of the few friends who joined me in my hobbies. While I didn't talk to them much, they really felt like a close friend, and I made these distributions in their honor. They had the ideas I am putting into the distribution. I hope they are remembered well, and again, if you are ever having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE get help.

UPM2 - This one is another one based on Ari, partially. Another friend of mine, who I will not name for what will soon be obvious reasons, is actually the full inspiration. I am not sure what happened to this person, but they don't like me anymore because they screwed themselves over and blamed me. This person sexually harrassed Ari, but Ari decided to be mean and make Ugly Package Manager, which was a package management system created originally for OpenBSD that used the same language and "actions" as the other friend. Never have been sure why Ari was like this, but it was a little fun. The other "friend" as I keep calling him threatened to sue, and so the project was shut down, even though we knew he wouldn't do anything.

Fivnex - This one for once is actually partly happy... if you ignore how it began. My friend, an active friend, has been needing space and not doing well with their emotions. Right after Ari passed away, about a week after, I started the company I and Ari wanted to make. However, the true beginnings of it were not so... clean. It was me taking my negative response to the world and while my current closest friend has never heard of this person (no one knows a lot about me, this is 100 times more than my since-elementary-school friends (Sam and Jesse) even know about me) but they do care. After my mental health took a turn, they helped me and made sure I didn't go through another loop. They aren't doing well themselves, but I still care and am grateful for them.

Why did I just share all of this? Why HERE? Well each of them has an answer:

  1. Because I want people to hold me accountable so I can help myself in a healthy way.
  2. I posted it here because I don't really have anywhere else that made sense. Also, maybe not as many people would see it here as opposed to... or somewhere else. Also, this article is partly is development-focused, but also mental health is added in.

Treat your mental health with respect, and I cannot wait to see you all in my next article coming: who knows, probably never.

Discussion (4)

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michaeltharrington profile image
Michael Tharrington (he/him)

Hey Kai,

Thank you so much for sharing this very personal and sensitive post. I really appreciate the courage you have to write so honestly about the issues you're facing.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time lately. It definitely sounds like you've experienced lots of turmoil and are doing your best to deal with these various stressors. No one should have to go through these experiences, but hopefully sharing them with others can provide relief.

That said, it's terrible to hear that you've run into hostility from various commenters on DEV. We really care about our community members' safety and well-being, and try hard to promote a friendly, empathetic, inclusive community. We do our best to hold folks accountable to our Code of Conduct whenever we discover harassment or abuse on the site, and have a team of moderators who regularly read through posts and report conduct-breaking behavior to us. We also provide a page for folks to report abuse — you can reach this page by clicking on the ... menu located on each comment or by scrolling to the bottom of the comments section on each post. Please don't hesitate to report any bad behavior to us; DEV staff will review every report that comes in via this channel and take appropriate action, holding folks accountable whenever they have acted out of line.

I wish the best for you and hope that you'll continue to post to DEV about your experiences. There are lots of supportive folks in this community who are here to help and provide encouragement. It sounds like you've run into quite a few folks who aren't representative of the type of community we're working to foster. We hope that you'll give DEV another shot and help us to build and maintain a kind and understanding community.

karandpr profile image
Karan Gandhi

Hey , Kai, I like what you write especially the ones with weird hobbies. You can DM me anywhere on interwebz(karandpr everywhere) and I will talk to you in case you need to blow some steam off or just want to talk.

kretaceous profile image
Abhijit Hota

Hey Kai, I can only imagine the courage you've accumulated in writing this post and the things you've gone through. I'm sorry about them.

I can't say much except saying that we're sorry if the community's been so harsh to you and all the things that happened to you.

You're only 17. The fact that you're at this young age and know a LOT many things is mind-blowing and I'm sure you're gonna continue to learn and develop good software and distros in the future!

Hope you are doing better and will do even better ahead. Take care.

parasharrajat profile image
Rajat Parashar • Edited

Hoping to see your posts more often now.

This post has raised sympathy and a reason to check out my dev dashboard daily for the name Kai under a post at least.