The Reality of Balancing Pregnancy in Developer Relations

Dreaming of a job and a traditional family might seem ordinary, but for me, it was a daring aspiration. As someone who grew up undocumented with undocumented parents, achieving financial stability through a successful career has always been my goal. Some people may view this as capitalistic, but working and earning money is a privilege that I will not take for granted. (And I kinda sorta sometimes enjoy working).

Alongside my career aspirations, I've dreamed of a traditional family life. I wanted my white picket fence, my spouse, my kids, my pets, and my job. I methodically laid the groundwork to make this a reality: finding a like-minded partner and securing financial stability. I even got a pet.

Yet, as I climbed the tech industry ladder, I noticed a scarcity of mothers in technical leadership roles. I questioned the compatibility of motherhood and a high-powered tech career. It started to seem like there were two options – I could either strive to be a “girl boss” or a “trad wife”, and I struggled to relate to either extreme.

My role as a Developer Advocate, with its demanding travel schedule and constant context-switching, seemed particularly challenging to balance with family life. Eager to learn from others' experiences, I searched the internet for content. While I found some valuable accounts, they were limited in number:

• Developer Relations and Motherhood by Pamela Fox
• Being a First-Time Mom in Developer Relations by Amanda Cavallaro

When I asked my friends they reassured me, “Oh, it’s not that bad”, but then I realized that they were non-birthing parents with stay-at-home spouses. Their experiences, while valid, didn't align with the reality I was facing as a potential birthing parent in a demanding tech role.

The scarcity of publicly shared experiences from moms in tech isn't surprising. It's a private, fragile journey, and as I learned from "Corporate Confidential," companies sometimes find ways to retaliate against new mothers. Despite these concerns, I decided to pursue motherhood anyway.

Now, 30 weeks into my pregnancy, I've discovered that balancing work and pregnancy is more challenging than often portrayed. For those contemplating if they can manage pregnancy in tech, I'd say, "Yes, but..." – and here's what I've learned so far.

Yes, you can balance pregnancy and a full time job tech, but I’ve found that...

Every trimester has been exhausting, especially the first trimester

My initial plan was to work super hard during my first trimester so that, as I entered later terms, I could afford myself the opportunity to go a little slower before maternity leave. That plan completely fell apart around week eight when an overwhelming fatigue hit me. No amount of ambition could make up for how tired I felt, both physically and mentally.

That exhaustion did affect my performance a bit. For example, I think two of my public speaking appearances could've been better, but I was too sleepy on stage and during preparation to really nail it.

Embarrassing photo of me sleeping after eating my food and typing one word on my laptop

My priorities changed

I thought my ability to prioritize work above all else would remain unchanged until the baby arrived. Instead, I found myself juggling doctor's appointments, nursery preparations, and self-education on pregnancy and childbirth. These new priorities are fairly time-consuming.

My relationship dynamic shifted

Sometimes my needs affect husband's work productivity as he steps up to help more with chores. It's a adjustment for both of us. Then, the dynamic had to briefly shift again when my partner got an injury.

Derek being a little dramatic even though he is genuinely injured.

I experienced "mom brain"

I sometimes find myself processing information more slowly. Reading Slack messages or having conversations takes extra effort.

Flying is really uncomfortable

This may not be the case for everyone, but common pregnancy symptoms include dehydration and circulation issues, both of which are exacerbated on a plane, making flights a lot more uncomfortable. Additionally, dragging heavy luggage across an airport and sitting for long hours waiting for delayed flights is less than ideal.

I still accomplished a lot

Giving myself grace, I recognize that I've continued to be a valuable employee:

• Spoke at conferences, including well-received talks at CascadiaJS, React Miami, and Boston TypeScript

Me speaking at CascadiaJS

• Revamped our livestreams, with one featuring Dan Abramov hitting 1.4k views
• Led a hackathon team of 11. I got the chance to help my teammates (including the CISO) learn JavaScript, React, and Web5
• Increased my coding contributions to 509 in 2024 (up from 359 in 2022 and 323 in 2023)
• Spoke on lots of podcasts until I gained more confidence speaking about my company's SDKs
• I maintained my workout routine
• Deepened my mentorship skills by sharing my knowledge about content creation and open source with teammates
• Won an award from Resilient Coders for career progress since graduating

It's still a beautiful journey

I do not regret this experience because it's filled with joy and personal growth:

• Strengthened my relationship with my spouse
• Helped me redefine self-care
• Filled me with anticipation for our future family

I am grateful that I have a remote job with flexible hours and unlimited PTO, as opposed to an in-person role, which could be more demanding. However, if I were to do it again, I might arrange things differently. I'd try to create a situation where I don't have to balance work and pregnancy simultaneously, allowing me to focus more on my personal health and well-being.

Ultimately, every person's journey through pregnancy is unique. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help others better prepare for the journey ahead.