Fear of Mediocrity

Originally posted on my blog.

For a long time now I've been a feeling a sense of mounting doom. A fear that I'm no longer keeping abreast of all the change that's occuring around me. That I'm no longer keeping pace with others who are learning faster than me, who are growing faster than me, or just plain doing more than me.

"Do not go gentle into that good night" - Dylan Thomas

Fear is a powerful emotion. A bit of fear can push your forward. A lot of it can overwhelm you. Now imagine feeling that fear mounting day by day, week by week, and no matter what you do, you still feel that mounting sense of doom. I can't imagine it being healthy. It definitely isn't for me.
I'm a software engineer by trade and heart and in my industry you need to stay abreast of technology. I'm also fortunate to work with some brilliant minds in my workplace (ExpressVPN). You'll find a lot of software engineers fight against imposter syndrome, myself included, but being surrounded by brilliancy can mute your own brilliance. There's so much to learn and experience that it is overwhelming. Even more so when your attempts at self improvement aren't as consistent as others.

A few days ago I became concious that my fear had become paralyzing and I was hitting a breaking point I didn't know existed. I realized that in those free moments my mind was not engaged, it became filled with thoughts of learning X or Y, doing side project A or B, or feelings of guilt because I was procrastinating or not doing enough. The enormity of all the things I had to do to "catch up" made it so that consistently doing a little every day never felt enough. In this way, what should have been a fulfilling journey of development and growth became an endless grind to be an ideal I had no hope of achieving.

I write this advice for myself and others who may need to hear this.

When goals become a shackle

I recently watched a video on coping with uncertainty and a statement made right at the end was extremely thought provoking.

"Your goals are your aspirations, not expectations"

We all need goals. We all have dreams that we want to pursue and actualize. But it's important that your dream does not become the weight of expectation that holds you back or the shroud that hides the present from your sight.

Life is not about the dream job you want to get. Or that dream car you want to buy. Or that dream of building a business that allows you to retire by the time you're 35. Life is so much more than that. Don't let your goals make you lose sight of the things that matter such as looking after your physical and mental health, spending quality time with loved ones and fostering positive relationships with friends and family.

Optimism and Gratefulness

A friend of mine recently messaged me about how he's been deliberately cultivating himself to be more optmistic. It made me realize that I was spending more time being negative than positive. The weight of our own expectations can lead us down a negative spiral. Afterall, if you always compare yourself to others, nothing you do will ever satisfy you and thus all your work will always be futile and will only serve to feed into your negativity.

Be optimistic. I feel optimism comes hand in hand with gratefulness. There's a lot you've been blessed with. You can spend a few minutes a day writing it down and you'll never run out of things to be grateful for. Focus your mind on what you have, not what you don't, and with gratitude you'll find yourself feeling better.

A pro tip to feel better. Smile even if you don't feel like it. The physical act of smiling actually makes you feel better even when you're not feeling too positive.

Who defines "mediocrity"

"Engineering is about making good tradeoffs. Life isn't so different."

We all have different priorities in life. Every decision we make comes with an opportunity cost associated with it. The decisions we make lead us down different paths. Our path is unique to us as we each have unique strengths, weaknesses and situations. There is no wrong path as long as we strive to be good, do good and better ourselves every step of the way. After all, all paths lead to a single destination. It's up to us to decide what we want to take with us, what we want to leave behind, and who we want to be when we get there.

Closing thoughts

We all need goals and we all need to work towards it, whatever it may be. While doing so, it's important to accept our limitations, and not weigh ourselves down with expectations, our own or otherwise.

Don't let life pass you by. Every moment is precious. So give it the treatment it deserves. Be mindful. Be deliberate.