Diary about my first full-stack app

I found this post among my drafts - from August 2020.
I'm still in my journey of struggle, and it's a bit painful to proofread. However, I do not want this to be forgetten even from myself, I will just plush this onto the world.

1. End result

   It is meant to be some sort of SNS to build a habit of self-gratitude.
   Is actually a bit horrible. EX/EI can't be worse, and it is containing less than half of the features I originally meant. There is still a pile of never used fields on my Mongoose models.
   
   My initial goal was to finish this at the end of August, and I knew if I don't do so, it clear this will also be forgotten with the rest of the abandoned personal project folders.
   

2. On the way

   I first started to code after I took a node.js tutorial course. This idea seemed doable, which was quite wrong. There were too many points that I overlooked.
   I tried my best not to reference the course code or structure, but when I bit by googling, I had to peek it as well. There are really so many ways to achieve similar functionality, and my code now is like a patchwork of them. So many times I thought it will be easier just to rebuild this from the ground, but wasn't sure if I manage to not give it up on the middle.
   I ended up taking another short course about MERN stack, but it also did not give me the answered I was wanted, so I endless googling and pathworking. Every time I restructure something, I broke something, and many times, even after a day, after I tried to try out all ways I can find or think of, it often turned out to be a type.

3. Small points I meant to I must try

   • React hook; the custom hooks still an area of fear for me. I actually think still on the way to learning React by doing.
   • Mobile-first with Styled Components; In the past, I write everything with bootstrap and converted into this, which I gave up.
   • Learning from the official documentation; I am still not confident with only those, without additional use-cases. I tried as much I can.

4. My own story

   According to psychiatrists, I am going through serious depression now.
   About a year ago, I been to ER then ICU, and everything changed after that. The fall semester had started, and I tried my best, but ended up drop out almost all courses except one, out of seven. At first, I panicked because it was not able to follow to content that I already know. But later, I started to have a panic attack without panicking.
   The physical condition became far better than that time, but I am not the same. I had to cancel all plans, and stop out from almost all roles and groups I was taking part in. I even stopped all SNS. Even messages from closes friends and family were not that glad.
   When I started to self-study again, even my own hand taken notes were clueless. I repeated giving up and trying again.
   My counsellor was kept making me practice gratitude and mindfulness. I am still not used to it, and it still feels meaningless, but I am still trying. I have not many other options anyway. The dose of the depression drug has been increased quadruple, and still not sure if is working properly.
   There are still things I am not supposed to forget. The people who love me, and the things I am still not able to do. I need to focus only on what is left to me, and only focus on those.
   I know, but it's not easy to adapt, so I just keep saying to myself.
   And that was why I wanted to make this app.
   I don't know if I can make it, but I have registered college as full time. I still have a fear of going back, also about getting the internship. I was not even failed to get any part-time job for the past three years. Maybe it will work out this time. What more can I say.