How do I handle brutal feedback from colleague?

I'm sorry you went through that. This is obviously unhelpful if it's repeated and insensitive. Usually bullying comes from a lack of confidence or real experience. One of the tricks is to find a bigger bully or bigger mentor.

Finding someone who will evaluate the things he says and communicate them in a constructive way. Then help you tare down the bully. E.g. by reviewing the bullies code and finding problems/bugs. Giving you "ammunition" to respond.

Notice that this is a very unhealthy work environment. Ideally you should start job hunting and find a place that's good for you. A mentor can help you with that as well.

I can't help but stress that engineers are in demand, not places to work. This means that your efficiency, experience, and environment matter more than the company in some areas. If you cannot thrive in your work environment, it's time for a new one.

Do you have some examples possibly? Sometimes I’ve found that the text I read from a person isn’t always the way they meant it. This isn’t a fault on anyone — we see the world as we are, after all. If the comments are calling you names, then yes, that is unprofessional and should be reported to HR. If not — if the comments just sound rude — well, that involves a one to one conversation to find out if that’s how the person intended their message to come across. Often times people are just unaware of how they come off on to others.

Code reviews have no tone of voice which is what we need to keep telling ourselves. But if the comments are full of ideology you have to question the intent to belittle others with quotes that react is better because it's blue and you MUST use it because I like blue.

Or perhaps its...

See the problem with this question is that it's hard to know the specifics, the truth is you have 3 options, quit, threaten to quit, tell HR, tell manager, talk directly to X and tell them how Thier comments are making you feel it might help, better that being in hell

Like many forms of written communication, code review comments can both be interpreted as aggressive or can actually be aggressive due to the reduction in filter that people experience when sitting behind a screen.

I can think of several things you could consider trying:

• Ask your colleague to go online and review your code with them, tell them you see that they are concerned about your work and that you want to understand their conclusions and how they get to them. Talking personally with people will often provide a deeper understanding on both sides and will hopefully reduce the tension and aggression levels considerably, quite possibly permanently.

• Ask your line manager or team leader to provide further guidance on how reviews should be constructed as yours are causing you undue anxiety and stress which will eventually impact your productivity. Try to get the manager to review the process with the team. If your organisation has defined "values" - try to relate one or two of these to the issue you are facing.

Try to learn from anything they said that might be useful, then ignore and forget the rest.

If they crossed a line in professionalism then you have every right to file a complaint with HR. And should — it will help you and your team and your company… although waiting for HR to effect change may take longer than is helpful.

You will not be able to change this person, so do your best to avoid them. Also start keeping a file of screenshots and / or abusive comments. It may make you a feel a little better to have the behavior documented, and it will help prevent you being gaslighted if this ever comes back around and they try to undermine your claims. But, don’t share that list with anyone but HR, your manager, or your therapist, as that could put you in violation of work policies.

Finally, your best bet may be to talk to your manager. It is their job to lookout for you and your responsibility to let them know when you need help. This is a situation that a good manager can solve. And if if your manager fails you on this then it’s time to find another job at a company that does a better job of advocating for you.

When others make comments about you, they are rarely talking about you. You are not present in their tiny prison cells with mirrored walls. They are alone.

They are talking to—and about—themselves. Like a bird with a mirror, they are fighting their own reflection. And often they project their own fear and anger onto you first to create that mirror.

Take yourself out of the equation. Imagine that they are reviewing someone else, not you. Now, look at their review. When you read it, do you think, Wow, this programmer sucks? Or do you think, Wow, this code reviewer is a total asshole?

For each specific comment (and ignore any that aren't specific as they are useless), ask yourself, Is this true or not?

If it is true, then this reviewer did you a favor by providing you with the information you need to improve. Agree that you should do that differently, and then do so, without fuss. Thank them genuinely. Excellent. Win for you. You look good. Smart. Professional. Humble.

Ignore everything else. It's either irrelevant, or not about you. Don't disagree. Don't comment. If it comes up again, change the subject to what you're doing to fix the true criticisms. And how you're making sure they don't reoccur. Maintain the focus. Don't allow yourself to be dragged into a fight. These people live to fight.

So do you need to do anything at all about this jerk? Probably not. If you can overcome your own negative reactions, then you can simply continue calmly and professionally and let your reviewer hang themself. And over time, as they realize (maybe) that they are the one looking bad, perhaps they'll change their own behavior.

If you can't help yourself and simply must say something, then don't do it publicly or you'll just back them further into a corner. Instead, take them aside and tell them that you are sensitive and that their tone and approach feel pretty brutal to you. That makes it about how you feel rather than about how evil they are, and gives them room to be "generous" and take into account your "sensitivity".

Let them think that they have the power. They are rude and brutal because they are insecure and always in fight mode. Imply (don't come right out and say it) that being kinder to you would show how smart and beneficent they are. Make them see that it would be a win for them (as it will). Good luck.

The odds of you changing this person's behavior are slim, so don't get your hopes up. The issues they are wrestling with did not start with you and are unlikely to end with you. But the real damage will be done to themselves. Try empathy.

Finally, I would take an aggressive asshole any day over a passive aggressive one. With the aggressive asshole, the aggression is right out in the open for everyone to see, so it can usually be ignored.

But with a passive aggressive, things look just fine on the surface. They have structured their review such that to a casual observer it will look as if they are deeply committed to helping, and in a kind way.

But you will know instantly that in reality they are patronizing you in the most condescending way, implying that you are too stupid to understand—but don't worry everyone, they are their to help you! What a hero!

If you make the mistake of complaining loudly, then they've got you. They will point out that they never said anything mean, claim they didn't mean it the way you took it, and seize the victim spot—the moral high ground. And that leaves you—the real victim—stuck in the victimizer role. And the more you try to dig yourself out, the deeper you'll dig the hole. You, not they, will be the bad guy.

There doesn't seem to be a cure for this, so maybe euthanasia for passive aggressives? Just sayin'.

Finally, ask yourself, Is this person really being brutal, or just blunt? It is easy to read dark motives into short comments in text. Things always look worse in print. Are they still brutal when you discuss it with them in person? If not, maybe stop worrying about their tone and just consider it part of living with other humans.

Personally I'd handle it by critiquing their comments: "Thanks for the feedback. In the future, can you try to keep the comments relevant to the changes made? I'd me more than happy to discuss your opinions on some nitpick that he was rude about but a pull request is probably not the forum for this.

You mentioned that insert weakest argument he made here. I would love to do your suggestion of poorest suggestion, however considering x is a major factor I don't see how this suggestion solves this.

Keep it professional and document his instances of being rude.

Quit! It's a poisonous environment! Get out of there ASAP!!

Yes, you probably should:

1. Escalate this to their manager if it would be helpful. Note, only do this if their manager is not a bully.

2. Start to look for another job if things don't improve soon.