Introduction

Hi. I'm Onix. Or, at least, that's how she named me. I was going to change the name, I just need a better substitute. We have more pressing matters right now... Anyways. Right, where was I... Onix. I live in a body that isn't fully mine. I sometimes get these moments where I have full control, and those moments are great. I would say I'm successful. I am effective. I don't really have problems. I do solve them though.

I like solving things. I like for things to make sense. I create structure from chaos. I make goals, deadlines. I want to be better. I want to create. I want to be impressive. I think in some ways I am already.

I am not sure I exist. It seems that people are made in a way where each one has their own body that only they have. And I, a lot of times, don't. I see my body moving. Doing stupid things. I try to deal with it. I try to communicate, interfere, maybe advise. But I rarely get it fully to myself. When I do - it's like my chains have been lifted. I am suddenly a functional human being that can and will succeed. However, all I do in that state is solving the problems of the other. While I am away, problems start to accumulate. It's as if I'm a janitor to some really spoiled and littering kid..

I try to follow what is going on. When unusual things happen, I try to record them physically. Type them out, make notes. Later I will be able to figure out what happened based on that data. There seems to be a lot of struggle to rely on our own memory. And perhaps mine is better, but I am not always around. And even mine is still... not great, especially at some moments. There are sometimes memory anomalies which I can't access. I am still trying to figure out exactly how those work. However, generally as memory goes, I am aware of what is going on. I know the situation, or at least I figure it out right away. I have access to my life's timeline, so I remember being a kid, or major events. That seems to not be the case for the other person in this body.

I have been told my thoughts are based on fear. That is weird, since I actually don't feel fear. Or, perhaps I feel it differently. I sometimes feel some sort of a barrier, usually in social situations. I don't exactly feel that many things, or at least I do in a very small amount. I don't exactly feel happy, but satisfied. I can feel annoyed. Curious, not specifically excited though. I am more tolerant to pain, or temperature. I am more focused, calm. I care about success. I could tell you more about me later, you probably get enough of an idea already.

In the context of life

Mental health and diagnosis wise

It has been a long journey of mine to figure out exactly what is going on. 5 years now. I have a referral sent to a place where they would make an appointment, but even that will we only reviewed in weeks. It's important for me to define exactly what is affecting me. Once you define it, you can know what is within your control. You know where it's your fault and you can improve, where it's just like a "weather" that will eventually end. Once you know what is going on, you can predict it.

Either way, when I first noticed things happening, I thought it was multiple personalities. I didn't know at the time any details, but it was the only thing that made sense. I have found out more about it, and it did make sense. Dissociative Identity Disorder it's called. It was a long journey that I might tell here later, if anyone is interested. To simplify, I have since started feeling better. Until 2020. That was the second major hit on my mental health, after which I started looking again. I have begun using the mental health resources I could get, since I have found out some were free, or affordable, or covered by college.

First diagnostics

My diagnostics visit of a psychiatrist (technically a second one, but I would actually count it as a first serious visit) left me somewhat confused. He did give me some general results and pointers, but on my mention of DID he simply laughed at me, dismissing the thought completely. On the one hand, a professional is telling me I don't have this diagnosis, who am I to doubt it? On the other, the way he did it was really bizare. He didn't even ask or check why I thought I have it. Either way, I have decided this as enough evidence to think I don't have DID. Besides, I have lived with it for 3 years already and learned to deal with it. Whatever it was, it wasn't the most pressing matter.

Recent suspicion

In the second half of 2021 my mental state has begun going downhill again. I have noticed some weird things happening again that I couldn't explain with any other way. I have been visiting and using mental health resources ever since 2019, trying out different people, getting diagnosed and looking for support. I have gotten a new psychologist at the end of Fall 2021, and she seemed promising (they all do in the beginning). She specializes on trauma specifically, which I exactly sought out. As I described her my experiences, she was the one to bring up the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I never mentioned it, I didn't want any confirmation bias. More than that, I have deliberately not been researching the diagnosis to not give my mind tools to lie to myself and skew any results of any kind of diagnostics. This was when I started believing it could be true again. Ever since I have been on my path of getting it diagnosed. It's a long path, it's been months and I still don't even have an appointment scheduled.

Lying to myself and/or others

I didn't want to share anything public about it, or tell people about it, not until I have it officially confirmed. I don't want to be lying to people and/or to myself. However, recently, I have been struggling a lot and I have a strong need for understanding. There are many layers/barriers within me that prevent people to really get what it's like. So, I have decided to at least start with this post. I don't know if I will even publish it in the end, maybe it will forever be a draft. Maybe I will make more.

Is it? Is it not?

This question has been on my mind for a long time now. I keep going back and forth between the two conclusions. I experience something that is so off the charts, so different, so unexplicable with anything else, that I start thinking - it has to be DID. As my memories fade, or as they get completely lost, as I get more mentally stable, those experiences start seeming more and more doubtful. I can't really rely on my memory, or perception. As my data (memory) gets corrupted, my conclusions based on the data also start changing. Maybe I overexxadurated. Maybe I came up with it. Maybe it didn't actually happen. I just want it to be true to be special. To get sympathy. To peek people's interest. That's not something I want to be.

I go back and forth. I'm tired of not knowing, but until I know I can't deceive people. So what am I doing now? Why am I writing this? I suppose I'm just on that swing of the pendulum where I believe there is truth to it. I have not been researching it deliberately, so all I have is just my own experience. I recently had an experience of.. weird things.. I suppose..

Future of these posts

I am still unsure if I will publish this. If you do read it, I suppose I did (incredible logic, I know). In that case.. what would you like to know about? Was this interesting? Are you curious? I have many things to tell, really. I want to tell them on one hand. I'm not sure it will be interesting, or if I will be understood on the other.