Warning: I wanted to write about being a mom in tech but I didn’t really know exactly how I wanted to approach it so I thought I’d just start writi...
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As an alternative point of view, I'm a dev dad.
I work a full time job, one that enabled my wife to give up her job completely to be with our baby (now 14 weeks old).
My wife is a fucking soldier (excuse the language, but it's needed here). I had first hand experience of how hard it is, while on paternity leave, and she enables me to do my job.
Without her, there is no fucking way I could be a dev. I go to bed, at the latest, 9pm every night because I look after our daughter in the morning. My wife takes care of the night and during the day.
She allows me to do the job I love, and I don't understand how mums can juggle being a mum and a normal job, let alone a Dev!
Mad respect to you.
Whew, the youngest is napping, the other 2 at school, load of laundry running - I can take 5 mins to write some thoughts on this topic before I crash into my own nap! <-- mom life!
I mentioned in my first comment that I have so many thoughts on this topic. Thank you for writing! It often feels like being a mom in tech is an even smaller minority, because given the few women who start tech careers, a percent drop off around this stage of life. Balancing parenting & a high-demand job is so difficult.
The challenges we face I think are pretty unique to us. Even with engaged & well-meaning partners, there is definitely still a stigma against men who prioritize family over career. Even in small doses like you mentioned taking a day off to care for sick kids, cover for a sick partner, take a kid to the dentist, etc. It's a stigma that harms both men & their exhausted partners.
My husband is a teacher - paid well here in Canada, but combined with the extracurriculars he is responsible but not paid for, he works 50+ hours per week & brings a lot home for the evenings & weekends. Impromptu teacher meeting after school?? He is expected to drop everything & attend.
I think often moms get put into that primary-parent role, where if dad is gone all day, or several days it's just understood that we will single-parent for that time, no big deal. But if I leave to a meetup for a few hours, it's a panic that he'll be alone with the kids - despite the fact he's good at it. I would loooove to attend a dev conference, but it would be out of town for a couple days. Who would watch the kids when he's at work? My parents? Either way I'd be putting someone out. But if he's gone for a few days it's a no brainer because I'm the 'primary parent' anyway.
I hear male hosts on podcasts I listen to talking about flying off to speak at or attend multi-day conferences, despite that they have children. I wonder if they realize how blessed they are with that freedom? I was asked to speak at a conference next year, but I have to decline, mainly due to childcare reasons. It's heartbreaking to be honest.
The challenges begin right away. I experienced pregnancy-induced lack of focus for a while after giving birth. I was terrified that this would be permenant. Luckily it was not & I'm back to mental full capacity now, but it was scary. Exhaustion is a big part of it. Most of the moms I know are the light-sleepers who wake up at every cough or whimper from their kids' rooms. Are their partners deep sleepers in part because they know that their wife has it covered?? I think so.
An uninterrupted night's sleep is a rare gem. Around 5 years old kids' imaginations start turning shadows into monsters & cartoon villians suddenly seem possible. My kids have sleep-regressed due to fears of the dark from age 5-7 approximately. We now sleep with the hall & bathroom lights on - not helpful for the adults.
I share your frustration that late night coding or time for side projects or open source contributions are a pipe dream for many of us. By evening I'm mentally if not physically exhausted. Being on high-alert as you care for children is so draining. This is valuable professional development or fun coding time that is much harder for us. I try to schedule it a few days a week... but's so so hard. Much of my learning is via podcasts & recorded talks & screen casts as I do chores.
When I try to fit in coding during the day, I often have a kid in my lap or literally sitting on my shoulders! I should record a coding session one day - it's absurd. But it's another challege that primary-parents face. My kids will walk right past my husband chilling on the couch, seek me out in my home office, to ask me for help. Phone/video conferences are stressful for this reason - and for the high likelihood of screaming, crying, shouting, fighting or talk of bathroom activities or penises (3 sons, lucky me 🙄) in the background. 🤣
As fullfilled as I am as a mother & as proud as I am that I put my career mostly on hold to stay home with my kids & freelance only very part time - it has been a double-edged sword. If I was a RPG character... my motherhood & emotional power bars are maxed out to bursting. But my intellectual & professional power levels have dropped to the bottom & crashed though the floor. I'm playing catchup to modernize skills that are outdated & I am frankly bored-silly. Being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) has benefitted my husband & kids & been fullfilling on many levels, but hot damn is it boring as hell. I'm a very smart woman & have not been challenged mentally in years.
My youngest starts school next Sept & I'm counting the days. (Let me tell you, that jump from 2 to 3 kids is rough indeed.) I have been prepping my husband & kids that I will not still being doing all the laundry & other chores & that it is MY turn to go full throttle on my career. It's been a journey as a SAHM but I'm capital-D Done with it. My husband is amazing & 100% supportive, but he's understandably fearful of what additional workload will fall on his already exhausted shoulders, and what it will mean for our adult R&R time & family evenings & weekends; time I've kept very free by doing chores during weekdays. I don't know how dual income families manage it. This will be a huge transition for us.
So yeah, this was my own brain dump of dev-mom thoughts. The single biggest thing companies & our colleagues can do is flex time. Don't worry, we will get our work done & we value our jobs - especially those flexible family friendly jobs - more than we can express. Colleagues - don't roll your eyes when a parent co-worker ducks out early or arrives a bit late - school bus & daycare schedules are set in stone & we always make up our missed time or negotiated fewer hours. And make sure dads get equal access to - and are explicitly told they can use it guilt-free - that flex & work from home time. It is soooo valuable & reduces turnover & burnout & enables women to stay in tech.
❤️👩💻
Love this comment and I feel you on a lot of these points ❤️ I don't think I could handle being a full time SAHM! It's might sound a bit terrible... as much as I love my daughter I feel like being able to work and be productive and solve problems and just not be on mom duty all the time is a huge boost for my happiness levels.
Agreed. If I didn't have my freelance & OSS work I'd be totally insane by now. LOL
Thank you for this post Rose! It's important to talk about this stuff so the industry doesn't treat motherhood like some kind of "edge case", which I think it, unfortunately, has.
Here's another post from @kaydacode that I really liked...
Imposter Syndrome, Anxiety && Me
Kim Arnett ・ Aug 6 '19 ・ 4 min read
While I hope all work situations become better at conforming to the needs of parenthood, I'm really happy for the prospects of more and more organizations like this which have the flexibility to accommodate so much more.
I am so glad to hear you have a supportive employer. I have been lucky in my own career to have generally had that too. Parenting is difficult. Moms tend to have a lot of societal pressures that dads do not. It's something that needs to change.
I am not judging your husband here. I understand how he felt. When I went to the head of HR at Hasbro and asked what the paternity policy was, he laughed out loud and then said, "Wait, you're serious?" They had no paternity leave policy whatsoever (granted this was 12 years ago their policy may have changed). I told him I was serious, and thankfully I had a boss who had young kids and was understanding, so I got 2 weeks, which isn't much but I didn't have to face repercussions due to taking it even against policy. So, I get it.
Since then, it is an important qualification for me as a dad to ask of any company I join. Even with kids that are older, the intrusion on parenting responsibilities on a normal day are a near daily occurrence. If employers continue to lose candidates due to poor support of family responsibilities, regardless of gender, one would hope it would bring about change. This is especially true here in the US where even maternity leave is often not required by law. 🤦♂️That simply leaves us with shaming and rejecting companies that are not family-friendly until the law changes.
l wish you the best in the upcoming birth of your second child continued success in your career as a dev! And keep sharing.
Thanks very much for your response and support! 🙂 Things have been much more balanced here since my husband switched employers, thank goodness.
The lack of maternity leave in the US astounds me, and mothers who somehow manage to return to work quickly after giving birth are superheros in my eyes - I do not know how they manage. But they also shouldn't have to 🙁
In Sweden both parents are given 6 months maternity/paternity leave each. And dads are forced to take 10 days from the day the kid gets born and also forced to take atleast 3 of those 6 months i their own. The other 3 months can be given to the mom, if you want to.
Keep being awesome @rose ! I have 4 little humans and in the industry for 20 years. I feel you on all of this. Not an easy road to travel but now leading and directing large technical teams and projects I get to show/mentor women through the rough times. Thank you for your great post! 🤗
Wonderful! I had been waiting to read an article like this one.
I just wanted to add: It's not you, it's our industry that is insane.
With its cult of overwork.
Thinking better >> spending a lot of hours at work.
Motherhood is not an edge case.
Without it, humanity ends. Litteraly.
It doesn't have to be crazy at work
Fellow Mom-Dev here... I have 3 sons under 8 yrs old. I have sooo many thoughts on this topic! I will come back and leave a second comment (once my youngest is napping).
Just want to say, you aren't alone!
Awesome, I'm so glad you commented 🙂 Nice to see some other dev moms cropping up. I am excited for your further thoughts!!
I can't even begin to describe how much I relate to this post. Thank you for writing it!
I wrote something similar a few months ago.
I think there are so many moms that share this family vs. career tension and I think it's healthy to talk about it. Thank you for sharing!
Hi!
Thank you for your sharing. I'm a mom of a 2-year-old boy who is awesome. I worked as a developer for some years in the past, but since 2015 I haven't coded anymore. All this quarentine thing made me think of getting back to dev. But, while I was watching some content to brush up my skills and put myself up to date, I realized that women are few and moms even fewer. I'm thankful for having found your post 'cause I don't know if I will be able to code again (nowadays I have a full-time job in tech, but not as a developer) but it's great to find people who face the same obstacles as mine. Just to mention, I'm from Brazil, so I hope my English is not that bad ;)
Excellent article Rose and thank you for bringing this up! I think that software engineering as a profession does afford us a lot of flexibility that no other industry can provide, as long as you have a great employer, which it sounds like you do.
The concept of both parents working full-time is a fairly new one in the grand scheme of things and we're now just understanding the impact. Rushing our kids out the door in the morning and then coming home to them when we're all tired, hungry, cranky, and stressed is a recipe for disaster. Seeing our kids only during the two most stressful parts of the day is one big reason why our society seems to be devolving.
My wife and I have two children. Once we had two, it was an entirely different ballgame (and I hear three is the most challenging). She decided to stay home to care for our children and has recently gone back to work part-time this year. I'm running my second startup and with my wife back to work, it is WAY WAY harder this time around. Before we had kids, launching my first startup seemed like a breeze. I'd stay up all night, eat Doritos, go out to network, and everything was alright.
Good luck to you! Know that you're not alone. The mommy and child bond is very special and unique. They're so much more demanding and needy with mommy and is very obviously different between bonds with the daddy. So, I get your dilemma - one that dads can't truly understand!
Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’ and: I feel you!
Being a mom is really tough. They won’t leave you alone. Me-time is the most valuable time I have these days. When the kids are sleeping, I just want to sit there, think, read and maybe code (if I’m really lucky). This are 2 hours each day. And these 2 hours are the only time I have with my partner as well. And as you said in one of the comments below: As much as you love your kids you need a break. My kids are 3y/o and 1.5y/o and they are hitting each other the whole day randomly during their play and one of them is almost always crying or needs attention. At the moment I think “Just shoot me!” several times a day.
When my older son was 20 months old (so just wasn't a baby anymore) my younger son was born. So I had to swing a baby to sleep for 2.5 years and in the end I really, really hated it. When I stopped breast-feeding when he was ~1 y/o my husband started to bring him to bed. I take care of the 3y/o who don’t need to be swing to sleep anymore. This was a huge relief! Sleep is still an issue. Before being a mother I always assumed kids will sleep through when they are around 6 months old. My kids just started with 1.5 year. And the nights were both of them sleep through are really rare. And we still have nights when I need to sit 1 hour besides the bed with the little one in my arms and he will only sleep as long as he is in my arms (and no, he won’t even sleep in my bed). Or mornings when he decides to get up at 5:15.
But the really good news is: Coming back to work was a non-event. I was off for 3 entire years and when I came back it felt like coming back from a 3-weeks vacation. Part-time was no problem. Leaving on time (because I have to pick up the kids) is no problem too. And although I used to be a traveling consultant, my employer staffs me locally or remote. And I really enjoy the time at work. I missed coding so much! (In the 3 years I did almost no coding because I didn’t found time to do so.) Even being tired is not a big deal (on a business perspective), because this hits me in the afternoon or evening when I’m already home.
I was really worried that working would be yet another thing to do (as none of the things I did on parental leave will disappear) and I’m still responsible for most of the kids-related issues, because I’m the one working ‘just’ 6 hours a day instead of 8. But I really enjoy working and I really am more happy in general.
Luckily, I have a partner who can pick up the kids, in the rare cases I have a meeting in the afternoon (to be honest these are most of the time voluntary or private meetings) or a doctors appointment. I can also visit meet-ups in the evening and he’ll take care of the kids during this time. We decide who stays at home with a sick kid depending on who has the more important meetings on this day (by now this should be an almost exact 50/50 split). Even when I still breast-feed my youngest son, I spend a weekend with my sisters and my mother at a wellness-hotel and my husband took care of the kids (I left enough milk at home and by this time he already started eating). Also the household feels to be split evenly (I don’t know if it’s true but my gut feeling says yes).
So for me being a professional developer and being a mom works great. There is no time for extra hours and really, really rare time for pet projects but that’s ok for now. And now I enjoy the time with my kids even more.
I'm so glad I found this post! I am a mom of 2 and I'm self-learning mobile development at home. Trying to learn to code with kids at home is already hard enough. I can only imagine having a full time job as a developer! Which is why I am leaning more towards a freelance dev career as my goal. Get this, I've been trying to learn to code since my kids are babies! They are now school age and I've only JUST really got into having enough time/energy to actually build things. Its been a struggle but I am determined. The kids being older has helped a lot because I have more time to myself to study.
I'm really impressed by your journey and it inspired me to keep going! Wish me luck lol
hello there, i am so so in your boat, just 1.5 years ahead of you. my younger son is 1.5 years old. totally get it. working remotely is a game changer.
I feel you! I'm a dad but my wife got injured while giving birth and haven't been able to take care of our kid anything yet.
So I'm a dad on the mom-role. I do everything, drop off and pick up from kindergarden, stay home when he is sick, cook dinner and buy groceries for the whole family, the laundry, cleaning etc. So I know how you feel.
If it wasn't because of my biological nature I would definately be classified as the mom.
It is hard being a dev and taking care of a kid at the same time. Luckily I have a good employer too which gives me time to do anything I want when I need. As long as I deliver, they dont care if I work 4 hours one day or 14 hours the other day, as long as I keep my deadlines and the customers happy.
I wish more dads would take the mom role and stop beeing afraid of things like staying at hone with the kid when it's sick. It is not going to change if dads dont start doing something about it on their own.
Having a kid is a shared responsibility, don't be afraid of what you employer thinks about that.
If you are, move to Sweden. We have a culture of family first and you could sue a company if you get fired for things like that.
Don't give up! I'm a mom of two awesome boys (2 y o and 5 y o) and I do write code. Both my kids started nursery at 5 months, and I did express milk at work and bring it to the nursery at lunchtime. I was super lucky as the nursery was almost next building to my office and I had a choice to work 4 days a week for a few months while baby was under 1 y o and more.. I had child sick days!! I wish all employers had these options.
I changed my job when youngest was 1.5 y o. I work for a startup now 5 days a week and do nursery and school drop offs and pick ups. No child sick days now, so spending my holidays instead, but still I'm happy because I do love my job. Keeping up with all events at the school and having not yet talking and always sitting on your hands and crying toddler is a challenge. Evenings and weekends are always messy. But I know it will be better soon! Wish you all stay healthy and keep going :-)
I'm a single mom of a toddler and my current job requires me to clock in and out (despite being salaried). I get so stressed and overwhelmed I don't know what to do. I was running late this morning and my son got so scared of my rushing around behavior he peed on the floor and was screaming and crying the whole time. My job wants me to be in the office from now on and I just don't see how that's even possible. It feels like this industry is not compatible with my life but I have to get paid. I feel so helpless.
Being a developer dad (of 20 months) is already hard enough I can't imagine being a dev mother. Man or woman, all people without babies, just be understanding at work. This is not something you can get by imagination or empathy without first hand experience. Some parents go to work suits on top, pyjamas at bottom without even noticing because of the mental fatigue. Besides, not all mothers are lucky enough to get support from elders. Good luck to all working mothers!
Where's all the moms?!
My true respect.. It's you are trying hard to combine two full jobs together.. I hope you continue your survival while having your 2nd beautiful baby
I’ve just become a mum a year ago and just restarted work a week ago. Thank you for this post - you’ve captured everything perfectly from my point of view.
The struggle is real ! Being a dev mom is hard , very difficult than I imagined it to be . Thankfully this is one such profession which offers more flexibility in terms of timing but the constant need to keep up and focus is really underestimated in this profession and I truly realised it’s value only after losing the uninterrupted working window. Wouldn’t change it for world though , my lil one inspires me every single day to be better and choose better ❤️ You are not alone and I am sooo glad that I am not alone and there are women all around world relating to this situation
Hi,
I am mum of 3 young children (less than 7 years old), and mid-senior level frontend developer. My kids are 1,4,and 6. Since I went back after my last maternity leave, I wroked in part time, and I can discuss about pros and cons to work in part time. Both what I can see from companies point of view, they don't like part time workers, because what I feel 1. every implementations takes longer in time for an obvious reason, secondly if their are consultancy , they can not find a proper place at client. Honestly, after an internal project hey wanted me back in fulltime, meanwhile I could not do that. Now I understand why are just few women in tech sector, and why they usually leave.
When I work 3 days a week, 1 is meeting. And obviously, I am more effective on those tickets, which are well written, instead of figure it out what the PA was thinking, and communicate all of the things with them.
Honestly, I was also thinking about leaving, meanwhile it was my dream job, since I was 11. Maybe worth to go to teach computer science ( I do the MSC now, just need to do my thesis) , or I don't know. At the workplace they are so many kidless juniors, or mainly man seniors. I know only 1 or 2 dev mums at higher levels with young kids.
I think every women know, even if their partner are helpful at home, but organising things around the children usually landed on mums shoulder. So I just drained, and currently I can not see the future. I am really depressed about it, because I feel I need to choose between my work, or my family. And pushing me back in fulltime is not a nice feeling, and part time market is almost nowhere in this sector.
I am tired, and feeling fed up. :( I don't want to save the world, sometimes I just survive. I don't want to think about complex structures a lot, I just want to do my job, learn something new, but not to be shiny and delight. Just doing my tasks. I am tired, lots of sleep deprivation also does not help. Neither that couldn't help, that my Cloud engineer husband has 3 weeks oncall in every month. Sorry , if it sounds moaning, but I don't know, how other professional dev mums could cope this time.
Hello! I completely agree with your post!
How nice is meet someone in the other side of the world, having the same things in mind as me :)
This is so relatable. I am a mum of 3 girls aged 12,7 and 2.