For the past two weeks I have been working from home because of instructions from the government in response to COVID-19. The timing isn't super great, but to be fair the timing probably isn't great for anyone.
During my time at home my 'work life' and my private life slowly merged into one, even though I came up with a schedule in an attempt to prevent this exact thing from happening. Another rule was to make sure that the weekends would be off limits for anything work related, unlike usual. That didn't happen yet. This conflict is not necessarily new, but now that I'm stuck in my bedroom for most of the time it has become a lot more visible.
It's just really hard to sit still because there are a lot of things I could do instead. Extending my portfolio, continue my OSSU journey, finally start leetcoding or finally building one of those ideas I had in mind. I don't believe there is anything wrong with doing any of this next to work. However, it does become a problem when you 'have' to do them and can't stop. The very obvious thing to do in a situation like this is slowing down.
I have tied a very big portion of my identity to working hard and achieving things. Not on purpose but because others seem to value that as well. I 'work hard', 'always try to get the best out of myself' and 'am always doing something and headed somewhere'. And those little dopamine hits feel great but at the same time I feel like I'm approaching either depression or burn-out. No matter what I do it has to be useful in some way or I should not have been thinking about it in the first place.
If someone asks me where I'm going, I have to at least know where I'm headed. If I join a team, I better put in as many hours as I can. I'm still in school and very junior. There is a lot to learn and there is no alternative to putting in actual work if I want to get better. I don't have a popular open source project yet. I haven't even made a pull request on projects that inspire me. I'm not doing great, I'm lying to myself and believe the statements of people who mindlessly put on their rose colored glasses. There are still a ton of side projects on the shelf. I have potential but that is literally all that I've got. I have to work, I have to work, I have to work.
If I try to sit still those thoughts become louder and louder until I give in and start working again. Why would I do otherwise? If I don't work, why am I here? Who would care about me? What's the point?
Last year I reached out to my class' supervisor to explain that I really didn't feel like being here anymore. It wasn't the first time thoughts like these have crossed my mind and I had received help from a kids psychologist back in high school. Of course my supervisor wasn't allowed to deal with these things and about two weeks later I had to sit down with my college's psychologist. Luckily, I don't have to worry about anything because according to him I'm doing great. I have a strong personality, excellent grades and could express myself clearly during the conversation. The best thing I could do was read a book by Carl Gustav Jung and make another appointment if I still felt the need to get rid of myself. That was the first and last time I spoke to him.
I'm not going to lie, I haven't read a single word of any of Jung's books and maybe I should have. Instead, I spend some time on YouTube watching video's from random people with their take on hustle culture and ambitious minimalists who take it easy.
I feel stuck and lonely at times but whenever I read posts by overwhelmed beginners on Reddit or Dev I just wonder how normal this is in developer land. Do you grow out of this as a senior? I'd love to know how to stop looping between 'hustle' and 'trying to slow down'. Until then, I'm probably working on something and headed somewhere.
Latest comments (24)
Hey thanks for the post, I'm also a follower of the cult of productivity and reading a post like this helps me think about my life's long term priorities. Reading the other posts like below helped me feel a bit better, I hope it helps you too.
Thanks, I'll check them out!
Hey, it seems like you are 90% me ! Those feelings you have are very real and very much felt by other people in our field ! I have an insane dopamine rush when I'm solving problems and being productive and when I'm not, well hello self loathing. All goes down the drain in a matter of days.
One of the things I'm learning to accept is that there is no right answer, there is no specific method. No fix-it-all magic. Sometimes the pomodoro technique might work, other times long continuous working sessions might work. I might medidate daily for two months, and then not meditate at all for six ! I have a written list to keep track of my tasks, this works sometimes too !
For short term stuff, I guess that learning to juggle with different techniques to help with productivity and focus is already a good start ! Focus on aspects of your routine you are the strongest at. Other aspects of your routine that need more care might benefit from it via proxy. At least, that's how it seems to work for me. (Example: If I'm consistent on my habits with tidying, my mind is more at ease and it's easier to focus on work. If I'm consistent on exercice, my mind is also more at ease and it's easier to focus on anything !)
For long lasting remedies, I would suggest making good use of browser extensions to redirect / block common distracting sites (news, reddit, facebook, etc.). I really loved HabitLab during the time it was maintained, there was no other tool like it. Unfortunately the maintainer behind it hasn't contributed to the project in a while so I had to find alternatives. I'm using Impulse Blocker (firefox) and Block Site (blocksite.co) for Chrome to help out with that.
Hang in there and no matter what, find a way to get in touch with some positivity, if it can't come from you to you, I'm sure your entourage will be happy to provide !
Cheers !
Thank you so much for this advice! It has been a couple of days since I posted this and I'm kind of surprised how many people relate to this. It's really great to hear from people who are on 'the other side'. I'm coming up with a strategy to build up self-care strategies and stay consistent with it.
Cheers :)
Wow, what a powerful post. I feel I've been somewhere there... Hustling, watching videos, finding something meaningful to do, getting a temporary feeling of success, but in the end... Still feeling empty.
I don't like promoting my content in comments but I feel you may found some encouragement from my video of going from a freelancer to a professional. This post symbolises very well why I created developerHabits
youtu.be/Qe-BhypNKCE
Oh and also... Mark Manson - the subtle art of not giving a f***
Checked out the video, that's quite a story! I will give the book a go :)
I'm glad that over the years you grow out of it, or at least learn how to deal with it. (I'm not an expert but I would say that spending 10 years in the industry probably gave you the knowledge and experience to call yourself a senior!)
Thanks, I think I should give meditation a serious try. I guess that calming myself down in moments I feel stuck could break the cycle.
For me, setting time frames is the most important thing. 30 and 00 are most important numbers, otherwise % 5 == 0.
It helps me deal with fluctuations in emotion such as depression and boredom as well.
I do something similar as well but I have to admit that my time frames to do something can range from half an hour to session of four hours 😅. How long are your time frames?
You're value as a person is not in any way tied to your productivity. Don't mistake skill, job, and paycheck for worth and happiness.
Lots of people, myself included at times, idolize productivity, and it can drive us to workaholism. Often even if you had a popular OSS project, job, even family and friends it doesn't substitute having a deep sense of self worth and identity.
You are more important than the things you accomplish!
I'm having a little trouble with finding self worth from within but that is probably not that weird around my age. Thanks for the reminder I really needed that :)
I think healthy work activity is a great remedy for boredom. Too much leisure, Netflix and social media can be as damaging to our mind as too much work.
In my personal experience, my "mind schedule" almost never follow external conventions. Some Wednesdays feel like I need a break. Some Saturdays create sparks that drive productive work activities and thoughts.
What I do is not punish myself for not following weekdays conventions. What's the matter about working on a Saturday and resting on a Wednesday? Who called it these names in the first place?
Of course, I'd I have a due date or meeting scheduled on Wednesday, I'm professional, responsible and disciplined enough to attend it, regardless of my internal enthusiasm. But it's a minority of cases...
I'm not sure why I decided to follow weekday conventions in the period of time where I can decide to do my own thing and listen to my body. Definitely considering giving myself an x amount of rest days instead of forcing myself to keep going when I'm obviously not as productive because my body tired.
Hi! First off I want to say great post, and very brave of you to be so open and honest about how you're feeling right now. I can only speak for myself but for me what you are describing is completely normal. It's like a constant battle between being "productive" and not burning out. The important thing is to consistently try to find balance. Also, value yourself and know that you add value just by existing, you do not always need to be productive or producing an output. (This is something I am still learning myself.) Try to set some boundaries, set core work hours and then shut down the computer. Take frequent breaks to walk around or stretch. Get enough sleep. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed with all the things you "should" be doing try some mindfulness (I know it's cheesy but it actually works). Then just pick something and spend some time on it. Try to pick up a non related hobby like an instrument or drawing or something, just another outlet for your energy but where you can still feel like you're making progress on your own terms. "I have tied a very big portion of my identity to working hard and achieving things." - I really related to this, it's something I've only just started to try and unlearn. I am more than my work, I add value regardless and so do you!
Thanks! You are right, this is really a mindset I'll have to unlearn. I hope you find a way to balance out these feelings as well!
In the times of ubiquitous streaming, you could binge-watch “The Last Ship”, or something. ☺
Anyway, try to find something new to do, unrelated to your work, but feasible under the current circumstances – things like “Chatterbug Live” where you can start to learn German.
I'm 100% going to look for something not-work related to do!