Developer with New Baby Coming Soon — HELP!

At the start, for the first few weeks you'll probably have zero extra time to do any learning outside of work. The exception for me was when I would take our baby downstairs early in the morning if I woke up so that my wife could definitely sleep properly. He would carry on sleeping while I did some reading.

As time goes on they aren't generally so all consuming time wise.

The hard thing with current working from home is making sure that you make time to get out of the house during the week as your partner might not get the usual support that they would get from family and friends (depending where you live)

Let me start with the most obvious.

All babies are different, but worst case, you will loose sleep. Your wife will be able to cope with it better, as she has been dealing with change for much longer than you. And she will adapt quicker.

Just buckle in for the long haul and be ok with the fact that coffee may not solve your off day. People are typically understanding.

As far as making time, that really depends on how you can step away. Find small breaks if possible. The good news is they sleep a lot, so when they are young it’s actually easier assuming they don’t have complication or colic. But start small and often. It could be stepping up to feed with a bottle, to rock the baby to sleep, or change a diaper. Good news, it does not smell until they start eating solids really. Though the first two days it’s like black tar.

Kid first, career second. Focus on paying bills these first few months, use the time to bond. People don’t talk about this often enough, but it’s REALLY hard to bond with the kid sometimes as the father. My wife carried both my kids for 38 weeks. By the time they came, she was vested and bonded right away. With my first, it took me almost 4 months and was when she first smiled at me (it was gas). It will happen, don’t be frustrated, just focus on going through the steps. Skin to skin. Changing diapers. Feeding. Holding and cuddling. Etc. After you bond you will figure out quickly what you can and can’t do. The first few months will actually give you the most time to be honest.

I am a director of engineering. So I am right there with you. Believe it or not, you got this. Focus on keeping your team unblocked and there growth while you work. Then focus on the baby and your wife’s need. Then yours.

It is trade offs. Schedule time for yourself to do what you want to do. Make it transparent with your wife with her agreement. That is your time to do a side project, attend a remote conference, etc. But do it with her. But I would focus on doing this slower at first, and then you can pick the pace up.

For me, I game or watch movies less. My kids are not 3 and 1, and I do find time still. That being said my wife does a lot of her growth, while they are distracted. But her stuff is more portable than mine. So it’s about transparent compromise and your solution may be different.

On sites like dev, it’s easy to think everyone chases there career at all costs. But that isn’t true. Most don’t. It’s sad, but true. People here are trying too. So your in good company. But it’s ok to take a step back for your health and your families.

Also remove your wife is going through something wonderful but difficult. Be sensitive and put them first until you get into a a good place.

Excitement and fear, I would say, is an appropriate response 😉

I have recently gone through this myself. I am 25 with a 15-month-old - but to be honest I remember the struggles of the first year vividly.

I imagine it might be harder being an engineering manager, with a team relying on you (depending on how self-sufficient they are). I was really struggling from about 2-6 months when my son was at his most demanding (he only wanted me to put him to sleep, and he needed that 5 or 6 times a day). My boss at the time had a 9-year-old, and some of the best advice he gave me to give me hope, was that remember things start getting easier after 6 months and by 1 year it will be significantly easier. There are new challenges as they get older, but the really hard ones fade away.

When my son was born I worked full-time, completed my university degree part-time, spent most of the rest of my time with my family. There will be times you can sneak in extra learning time if you want to. At those times it might be healthier either sleep or take some time to relax, but that's up to you.

Although I love my son deeply, the lack of freedom taking care of a child has been hardest on me. I now feel like having a baby takes away a huge amount of freedom all at once, and over the next 18 years, you are slowly clawing your freedom back. This can be challenging as far as work goes.

Everyone is different - and every baby is different. Although keeping your job is important, I would say try to keep in mind, when you look back on this time, the moments you'll never forget will be the ones with your baby: when they are born, the first time they hold something or when they fall asleep on your shoulder.

You CAN get through it though. It's pretty normal to worry about this and look for shared experiences online, in my opinion. Being a father hit me hard at times, and I did suffer from depression (with effects lingering even now). You will probably be constantly looking back and think "Wow, I remember when this baby was a screaming, slimy blob but now they can crawl, or walk, or say 'dada'".

Anyway, I really hope you do fine. I'm sure you will.

Focus on your wife and baby. Your career will be fine

6 months in myself. First 3 months were a blur it does get better after that. Working from home myself. Usually take him in the morning at 6:30am or 7am till I start at work at 8am. If he is awake at lunch I take him for a while. Keep a phone or tablet to hand as you can spend hours with them on lying on you and you may not be able to move, good time to start reading . Your going to become the bottom of the food chain at home its baby then mommy then you if you have guests tell them bring food.Night time wake ups change the nappy/diper even if its only slightly damp might give an extra half hour sleep. Enjoy its piles of fun when they start laughing. Baby's on Netflix is a good watch.

Hey John,

First, congrats! This is a great celebration and a time of joy and reflection on life itself.

Second, it will be one of the greatest challenges of your life but totally worth it.

I have been working in web development and film/video production while raising two kids. Here are a few bullet points.

• don't let work get in the way of time with kids and family. They really do grow up fast and the old saying "the days are long but the years are short" is very true.
• you may not be able to do it all but do the best that you can and try to enjoy every moment.
• when you "clock out" put away your phone and computer and just hang and rest and rejuvenate with your family. That will help you balance and decrease burnout.
• I have never been more tired in my life and it seems to be never ending. but my kids are now older and things have evened out. The phase you are in will not last forever. Just keep moving forward and appreciate the small things.
• Take it one day at a time. Each day take time for yourself, time for your family, time with just your wife and time for work and even continued learning. Break it into daily manageable chunks and before you know it you will be running smooth on all cylinders.
• you can definitely balance the two you will just need to give yourself time to adjust.
• working remotely is the best case scenario. You can be there for your wife and daughter when needed, you can take a break to be with the baby and give your wife a break, then jump back into work. Again, this is the best case scenario. As your daughter gets older you will need to set clear boundaries about when you are working and when you are not. This is something I still have to reiterate to my kids, that they have to respect the boundaries and let daddy work.
• I will say again, if you are like me, you will be so freaking tired it will be overwhelming. Make sleep a priority and just take it one day at at time, enjoy your family, enjoy your work and don't take things too seriously. Parenting is full of ups and downs not matter how you look at it. Going with the flow and having a sense of humor will help you. Allowing time for yourself, time alone with your wife, time with your daughter and then work. And believe it or not, work actually becomes a respite from the demands of family and parenting. A necessary and welcome one to pay the bills. I assume you like your job, so this is amazing. You get to work out of your house, in a job you enjoy, which allows you to reset yourself before jumping back into family and parenting.

I will end with another congrats and a good luck. You can do it and it will be amazing!!

Many of the babies have specific rhythm/pattern that both you and your partner can catch/find and get the baby to do what they should be doing, like sleep/eat at a specific time. The only problem is when you start to catch on to that rhythm/pattern, they grow out of it and start a new one.

Just be prepare for a long period of time of just supporting your wife.

Congratz anyway.

We've got an 18 month old. It's so joyful to be around him. Honestly, he's always been a good sleeper and some babies are like that. We lost more sleep because of our dog than we ever did from the baby.

I work remote. We have a pretty natural routine: I help get the baby up and make his breakfast, then go downstairs to work. When I come up for lunch, if the timing is right, I help feed him again. I always finish work between 4 and 5 PM, so at that point I come up and the rest of the evening includes making dinner, playing with the baby, reading to him, bathing him, and putting him to bed.

You probably get this, but it bears repeating. Kid comes first, job comes second. Your team will understand if you're not there sometimes.

Congrats!!! Becoming a parent is one of the best things in life ❤️😀

I wrote about my experiences balancing parenting with software development a while back here:

barbarianmeetscoding.com/blog/2018...

And here:

barbarianmeetscoding.com/newslette...

Hope it helps!

Hi John,

First off, congrats on having a new addition to your family coming soon! I was somewhat in the same boat as you a few weeks ago. My baby boy was born last Wednesday so I am figuring things out as I go.

My experience thus far has been hectic, to say the least. I haven't had much time for learning or projects since my wife came home with my son last Friday. Most of my days have been eaten up doing things around the house since my wife is currently not able to do a whole lot other than care for our son. So I would say that at least the first couple of weeks are really going to be spent mostly serving your family. Just do your best to be the best dad and husband you can be while your wife recovers from giving birth. Hopefully, you are on some sort of paternity leave for at least the first couple of weeks.

I haven't experienced any sleep-related issues yet. I am getting fewer hours of sleep than I normally would but it hasn't been all that drastic. My wife and I have pretty much worked it out that she takes care of our son at night and then I relieve her during the day when she needs some time to rest. It isn't perfect, but that's what has been working for us thus far. Our baby sleeps a lot during the day so we mostly spend our time snuggling on the couch and I really cherish the time I get to spend with him.

I can't really give a whole lot of advice on how to partition your time between work and family time. I can tell you that I generally get a couple of hours to myself during the day to do as I please, but only after taking care of all the necessary things (watching the baby, doing the laundry and dishes, cleaning the house and yard, etc...) and before I make dinner (I'm also cooking all the meals). I really can't get too deep into anything during that time but I try to stay connected to programming in some way (that's why I am here on dev reading blog posts 🙂).

I really wish I could offer you more advice on how to balance work with a new baby but I am currently without a job and not sure how I am going to handle the situation once I do start working again.

Good luck, and try to enjoy your time with the family as much as you can.

First of all, congratulations!

I think you shoul actually talk about this with your wife. You both need to reach an agreement on when and how you are going to work/study, and when you are going to be taking care of the baby/do chores, etc.

I say this becaus you need to avoid things like feeling guilty because you are studying or working while you hear your wife struggling with the baby, the baby crying and screaming, things falling over and breaking, knowing that you could just get up and give her a hand, which some times you should do, of course, you are not in a sealed bunker, but you must try to draw a line somewhere. And obviously that same space and time should be available to your wife! Even if she doesn't work and is taking care of the baby full time, she will still need some time for herself.

You should start considering the possibility that you are just not going to have the same amount of time than before... ever. Or at least for a very very long time, and that's fine. You shouldn't feel preassure to be exactly as productive and to be able to do everything the exact same way as before, because 'before' is gone now, and now your life has changed.

Enjoy and good luck!

Dad of 2 month old boy here. You should discuss with your wife how you will divide time between yourselves.

It's a zero-sum game. If you take 8 hours to work/study, that means your wife has to manage the baby and everything else for those hours, when she might need to be resting and recovering from childbirth.

For myself, the baby needs to feed every 3-5 hours. He feeds for 20 mins, nods off for 30 min when he can't be burped, then wakes up crying and need to be burped for 15-30 mins, then a diaper change and coerced back to sleep with some crying every 30 mins 1-3 times per feeding where he needs additional burping times. After feeding him, my wife needs to pump out any extra milk for storage and that takes 15-30 mins. You can see that I need to be the one to take care of after-feeding activities with the baby or my wife can never sleep. Even so, the middle-of-night feedings are still really hard on both of us. So what I'm saying is just block off at least the first month or longer to support your wife who'll also be dealing with post-partum emotions/depression and really shouldn't be caring for the baby alone for long periods of time.

I can't give any advice for after 2 months since I'm not there yet. I really don't see how someone can get a lot done before the baby turns 1 where his wife wouldn't complain about it. Maybe that's during pre-covid times where parents and other caretakers could help out more.

When our kid arrived, I took the first month parental leave. Babies usually sleep a lot more than most people anticipate. Having a full time job to work will be stressful, sure, but I'm sure you'll manage. Improvise the first few days until you can see patterns and routines, then plan out your days with your wife. Do that regularly, as your life will be constantly changing from now on. Having a plan helps a lot.
Block time for yourself and the kid. Bonding time is invaluable - never leave that out.

I guess most jobs are remote by now. The same rules apply as for everyone else. Try to have a room or distraction-free space. Use noise cancelling headphones. Take breaks to be with your family.

Yes, you will die of sleep deprivation. You'll continue to do so for a long time. And it'll be worth it :)

Since you're asking for advice online: every child is different. My tips might be absolute trash, because your parenthood is the polar opposite of mine. You'll find your own way.

Another thing: talk to other dads. Your wife will probably have some contact to other moms and have peers to talk about parent life. That's really helpful, try to do the same.

I had my son 7 months ago and for the first couple of months we were knocked for 6, but we recovered. I would accept now for the first couple of months you will have to put other things on hold. All sorts of things can happen in this period and your partner will need a lot of support and so will you.

After that I've found developing a routine which allots time for certain task has worked well for me. I also work from home and my day now is get up between 5 and 6, shower, breakfast, do some housework until about 8, then work begins with some reading and learning. At lunch I take some time to spend with my partner and son. The work day finishes some time between 4 and 6 dependent on how it's gone and I try to end it with some reading or learning, but then its time with the family for the rest of the evening, nothing else.

This sounds quite regimented, but its not. I have to accept sometimes that structure won't always work out, like I was tired yesterday and I woke up at 7 today. And every day is interspersed with five minutes tasks for my son, like make a bottle, change his nappy, hold him while my partner does something, etc. Basically the time spent at the 'water cooler' in the office is now spent doing odd tasks for my son, which is great.

And finally the sleep is fine, it's amazing how quickly you get used to it, especially if you reduce your alcohol intake.

Of course, at first, it will be difficult. Lack of sleep will constantly be present, as your baby will wake up at night. The main thing is to help your wife around the house. If you have such a job that you can't work remotely, then ask your boss to let you go earlier. Well, the rest of the difficulties that you will face, you just have to pass them. Every parent is faced with this. My wife and I struggled with the child until he was five. By the way, then we arranged a baby shower and ordered games for this on yourpartygames.com/collections/bab....