Zen from learning

I always wanted to learn, but learning wasn't always relaxing.

I went to school, but if I'm being honest, I always hated it. The results were too slow, the teachers were too slow, the goals were so far down the field I burned out halfway. I remember once, in third grade on the first day of school, we were discussing things like where to hang our coats and where to eat lunch. I raised my hand and asked as politely as i could.

"Are we going to learn anything at all today?"

Okay, so it was probably a little rude, but i honestly couldn't help myself! I wanted to learn, I felt compelled to absorb as much as possible. I knew the teacher was moving at everyone's pace, and i felt a little guilty making the other kids suffer at my relentless pace of learning. But I always felt stuck, stifled, slowed down.

I went to college for architecture, but never made it to a degree. I left school and really tried to seek out something that would fulfill my need to learn and apply. I worked a call-center job(hated it). I was a stay-at-home mom (loved it). I had no real path, no "career" to speak of. The lack of goals, new things to learn was driving me and my family insane.

I noticed i was applying my drive to things that didn't necessarily need all of my energy. Have you ever tried to get a toddler to say the alphabet?

I tried for 3 hours(honestly more like 20 mins but still!).
Both of us were exhausted.

That's when I took a free online course for Java from Microsoft.
I loved it. My results were logged, right there in the terminal. If i wrote something wrong, there was almost always a solution. I was creating amazing things, and i could see my improvements. I felt awesome.

But i also felt something else. The nagging feeling of 'need to know' was slowly seeping away. I realized there was so much about programming i didn't know, and i might never know. There was no need to rush to absorb, it would all still be there. I could always access it, seek it out. Programming helped me soothe a part of me that had always been in a hurry. I found it meditative.

I'm currently in a bootcamp to learn JavaScript. I couldn't be happier or more relaxed. I have a goal, I have a purpose, I have a career to head towards.