It was the start of Project Week and I had a heaping scoop of “imposter syndrome” -- I felt as if I was tasked with something I could not accomplish nor comprehend, even though I have been preparing myself for this project for nearly 4 weeks. No one likes to feel fraudulent or fake. It’s like when you check out of the grocery store with a case of water bottles on the lower rack and they don’t check your receipt -- even though you truthfully bought it. You feel as if you may get caught despite your innocence. Similarly, I felt caught red-handed: this girl does not know how to code! What is she doing???? Despite these overwhelming feelings, I strode forward and dived into Project Week.
As the week stumbled on, confusion made several star-lit appearances and I knew I had to dim its presence, quickly. It felt really great to ask for help on my project and receive it rightfully so. For me, asking for help can be a little alarming and anxiety-inducing because help usually coincides with being told to change your work or being told you did something wrong. However, the help I received was far from distressing and instead showed itself as an illuminated cobblestone path leading to the ocean: it just made sense. An obvious means to an end. I asked for help a lot and I am grateful that I did so.
As I finished my project, relief flooded forward but not as a turquoise wave but as a Northshore Long Island murky ebb. I knew I had still to make my claim as a “coder” with the assessment and proper articulation. I knew I had to stand by my code and be like “Yes, I wrote this and yes, I know what everything means.” But, it’s challenging being 1000% confident when a few weeks ago when someone said “Ruby” I thought “shiny.” Unpolluted confidence and pride definitely come in waves… so I must be patient.
I am looking forward to the next project week because it was overall an enlightening and learned experience. I have made great strides and will continue to do so because I have felt such gratification from coding so far. I can see a personal future with code which is nice to admit.
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