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Cover image for When it comes to Data, the customer is always wrong - The Four Horsemen of the Assumption Apocalypse

When it comes to Data, the customer is always wrong - The Four Horsemen of the Assumption Apocalypse

ronsoak profile image ronsoak Updated on ・2 min read

You read the email...

The demands "needed this afternoon" crack open the floors summon forth the fire.

The words "for the CEO" darken the skies and blot out the sun.

The requirements numerous, complicated, and poorly communicated drown out the sounds of the real world, you are deafened.

And then, the sound of hoofs could be heard in the distance, the horses, their riders four in score had been summoned by the customers request for data.

Above you now stand The Four Horsemen of the Assumption Apocalypse.

🐴 The First Rider: Existence.

He is but a shimmer, this rider. The longer you look the less he seems to be there, but you catch him out the corner of your eye. Existence represents the assumption that the data exists and that you know exactly how to get to it. He feeds of this common misconception, the more he feeds the more uncertain his corporeal form becomes.

🐴 The Second Rider: Completion.

While the first rider was difficult to look at, Completion draws you in and plays on your mind. She sits there upon a dark horse, her dark armor a contrast to her pale skin and light features. Though she is clearly not all there, the same with her horse. You go to count the legs and you struggle to get to four, the longer you look the more grow unsure. What color was her hair again, did she even have hair? Completion exists because Data is never complete and the more people believe it's all there the more power she has to torture those who look upon her.

🐴 The Third Rider: Serenity.

The third is definitely humanoid, a man, who smiles at you. His horse, still and unaware of the surroundings. He holds out his hand and you take it, your eyes lock on his and he says "it will be easy." You can feel the calm projecting out from him and his horse, but it only makes you feel worse. It crushes you, and he knows it. He thrives off the falsehood that getting data together is quick and easy, the more people who believe that, the more calm he gets, the happier his existence becomes.

🐴 The Fourth Rider: Conviction.

Conviction does not look at you, she looks past you. She wears powerful colors and sits upon her horse with absolute deportment. She does not interact with you, for she is beyond you. She is beyond reality, time, and existence itself. For whatever she believes is true. She is only found in the midst of another person with faith as strong as hers. She is often found sitting behind the customer, the customer who has come to you, knowing in their heart of hearts that the data will prove to be evidence of something they already knew, had already decided, had already actioned.


Who am I?

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ronsoak

@ronsoak

Data Analysis Team Lead at Xero in Wellington NZ. Dev tag moderator and passionate about space! All views expressed here are my own.

Discussion

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You miswrote "Completion" in last rider - it should be "Conviction".

Other than that, thanks for this, as a junior data analyst, it's helpful to read.

 

Yes I saw this last night and hoped no one would catch it! Cheers