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Discussion on: Finding time when you have a family

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Karl N. Redman • Edited

When I started out it helped to have a wife that was understanding -as @jdforsythe talks about. I'm divorced (not because of the job -still a good relationship [20 years later]) but I've had several relationships where I've had to explain that my work, and ambitions, required 'alone time'. This has always come with concessions and promises. The concessions and promises have always been reasonable and, frankly, life balancing.

If you are the kind of person that wants to work 12-20 hours at a time, like me, it's important to remember that you are in a relationship, you have responsibilities (like being a parent), and that the world is revolving regardless of whatever amazing knowledge you are learning.

My relationships have never failed because of my focus on IT and learning and knowledge -It's other stuffs and those things have resulted in amicable separations. The key is, at least for me, being completely honest about what you are doing and why this work matters to you. Being honest about the aspects of your work with the entire family will give you a fair amount of wiggle room to pursue your work. Overall it's a delicate balance and it's not easy.

Relationships are important. Parenting is hard. On one hand, I suspect that you want to be 100% there for everyone. But that is not the nature of the job/career/industry.

Try something like this (after discussing it with your significant other):

  • Communicate expectations of time -if your are wrong about time (as a general concept) then you need to still meet your obligations and then attempt to adjust expectations afterwords.

  • Start a routine. Suggest a malleable schedule whereby you can work on your ambitions. Allow the same for your significant other (this is extremely important). Negotiate, Compromise, Discuss, and stick to promises made.

  • Make sure your children's co-caregiver is comfortable with his/her proportion of care-giving vs alone/family/couple time. If there are issues you need to address these things first before making demands.

Think: 'What is the baseline for duties and involvement of the family relationships?'

Lastly, don't steal time from your family. IMHO, and in my experience, you will regret every stolen moment in the future. Embrace that which you have and respect that the work may conflict with the values of the family otherwise.

my 2 cents. much love to all.