Hello, users! π
I'd like to ask for your advice.
I've been almost 3 years working as a web designer/developer and I'm an UX/UI specialist.
I've been working a whole year in the Smart City sector (you can read more here) and the rest of my experience is about web design/development.
I don't consider myself a senior but I wouldn't say I'm a junior, either. I've been also teaching, gave a conference about Smart Cities and I'm an active writer in IT matters.
However, in the companies where I worked there was always a kind of lack of respect towards me, not giving any credit to my knowledge, skills and experience. I've been having real bad times and lack of opportunities because I've been considered less qualified than I actually am.
I've been thinking why could that be, since my work was good and never had complaints from the clients or my bosses, but even though, I've been treated like if I knew nothing of what I'm doing and I was even humiliated once in front of my colleagues.
I'm 23 years old. I've been considering that the source of this kind of treatment could be that I'm young and self-taught.
Did you face this kind of treatment or situation before? Have you witnessed a situation like that happening to another person?
If you think this is a common situation, how would you avoid it or go through it?
EDIT: After many negative comments accusing me of "vanity", "can't stand if I'm wrong" and many other nonsense which is not even mentioned in this post in the first place:
I've learned A LOT of being wrong, I'm asking constant feedback to everyone, always trying to see where I failed and not even afraid of asking my superior for help or advice, how else could I have learned anything if I were otherwise? and honestly: that's not the point of this post, so stop mentioning it when I never spoke about it.
I'm talking about lack of respect, demotivation and superior attitude of other colleagues or bosses towards the employees, about your own company slowing you down without any valid reason or logic when meanwhile you're doing great things by your own. This is not about being right or wrong.
Check my article about why quitting a job to see what real situations I've faced if interested personally.
EDIT2: Thank you for everyone who commented this post. I've made a recopilation of the best advices you gave me here.
Top comments (138)
This is a common problem, unfortunately. I'm a self-taught developer, now a Senior, and I've experienced this type of attitude throughout my 6-year career.
The best thing I did is to keep moving companies until I found one that didn't have this culture.
Edit: For anyone that see's the comment from @johnkievlan below, and is second-guessing themselves, don't. Either, they are a troll looking to get a reaction or are one of the people that create such toxic environments.
I'd rather have a Junior, with no experience, over a supposed "Senior" with such a toxic attitude.
Thank you for your response, Si.
I've been told to "stand" this kind of attitude and endure, I'm happy to know that my "let's jump from company-to-company until I'm comfortable" idea wasn't wrong after all.
DO NOT "stand" for this type of attitude. I'd be very surprised if this is the only toxic thing about the culture at a company that has this view, and I wouldn't want to stay around long enough to see more.
I've worked in a variety of companies throughout my career (development and otherwise), with people of all ages, and a person's ability is not measured by their age.
I have personally been managed by people who are 10/20 years my senior but, currently, my manager AND my tech lead are both younger than me and I can honestly say I'm in the best team I've ever been in.
Hey DesirΓ©,
It seems, since my original comment, your post has got a lot of attention. From what I can see, most of them are positive and encouraging.
Unfortunately, I have also read some comments that are disgusting. I know you'll know which ones I'm referring to. Just ignore them. Carry on as you are, and don't allow these trolls to make you believe you are the problem.
You deserve a non-toxic culture, no matter what stage you are at.
Thank you again Si, indeed I think this post caught the attention of some trolls, but it's worthless giving them even the smallest spark of attention...
Thank you for your kind words, have a nice day!
Yep. The best way to deal with these types of people is to just ignore them, that will annoy them more than anything else.
You too.
Exactly what I was going to say too.
I switched companies twice in a 6 month period but now I'm very content with my situation.
It may come down to how low the self-respect and expected respect-from-company ratio you're willing to tolerate, but I believe always wanting more yet being humble enough to never stop researching and studying your field to be the optimal mindset.
If you find yourself miserable, do switch(with considerations of the job market).
Hope you make the right choice my good friend :)
youtube.com/watch?v=_bhHerBJAyc&fe...
Listen to what Dr. Drew has to say on this.
6 years is barely past junior level. You're mid-level. It doesn't matter if someone gave you a Senior title -- that just means they don't know what a Senior developer is.
Good rule of thumb:
1-5 years? Junior.
6-15 years? Mid-level. Maybe. If you're pretty decent.
15+ years? Senior, if you're actually good, which you may not be.
You're the type of person this industry doesn't need.
I was going to write a rather angry response, but I'm not even going to lower myself to your level. My current role is my third job with a senior title. That means three companies have thought I'm worth the title, and the money that comes with it.
Thankfully, your opinion means nothing to me and I'm still getting paid so π€·ββοΈ
ππΎ
You sound exactly like the people OP is talking about.
Capability is not a result of time.
I disagree with this - I also am of the opinion that seniority is much more intangible than the number of years you've spent in a field.
I'm so interested in defining seniority in SWE-land, that I started a podcast to talk with some of the most experienced people I could find about building and defining seniority. It turns out that very few of the people I met quantify seniority in terms of time; experiences are far more important than years spent at the keyboard.
Dan Abramov isn't in his thirties yet, but I'd suppose he has more "seniority" than the vast majority of software developers ever achieve.
Personally, I take a bit of offense at your rubric for determining seniority, but you're entitled to your opinion. Though, I don't see what purpose it serves beyond gatekeeping.
Honestly though, job titles are frequently meaningless and vary vastly between organizations. Looking to far into them is usually a bad idea, in my experience.
Edit: clarification, sorry for typos, etc on mobile. π
In my opinion you can easily become a "senior" regarding a narrow, specialized subject in a limited amount of time.
I've always disliked the concept of these tiers of titles though. It doesn't say anything about your focus: Are you broadly acquainted with many subjects, or highly specialized in one? Are your specializations still relevant and useful?
And flexibility is important as well: I've met many "seniors" whose minds were completely stuck in one paradigm, unwilling to admit that all the little rules they learned over the years might be obsolete.
I personally prefer to speak about specializations rather than just seniority.
What has a person focused on in the last few years, and what have they studied recently? How does that person's focus area and eagerness to innovate connect with the needs of the company?
Who's rule of thumb is this? You are trying to quantify the unquantifiable. There is no timeline for developers like this nor any way to gauge someone's ability off of time alone. Good luck with your long journey to senior dev though! Might never be one with this attitude though, not very senior dev like.
The number of years you've spent programming does not make you a senior. It is what you have done within those years that really matter. You may think you are a senior being a programmer for 15+ years and someone who had just programmed for barely 3 years can write as much (maybe better) programs than you can and could be better than you at using modern technologies (which is what some companies need).
IMO, exposure has to do with how well you grow over time, if you have a mentor while starting out in programming, chances are that you will be guided toward a path that the mentor knows would be best for you and make you garner as much experience there as possible, use as many tools & tech as possible, expose you to collaboration and teamwork skills.
Never look down on someone just because they seem young & self-taught or they don't have certain years of experience in the industry.
It's rather telling that johnkievlan, simply pointing out that you may not be anything other than "junior" with less than 5 years experience, is viewed as "non-constructive".
Doesn't that itself point to something? That giving viewpoints which might not be nice to hear but which may also be the truth, is something deserving of an "angry response" or downvoting?
Being considered anything other than junior, when only three years in to a career and aged 23 seems like something that should really just be accepted.
And if my colleagues don't appear to be giving me respect that I feel I deserve then maybe I would be better off elsewhere. But maybe as well I should consider that I might just be doing something wrong, expecting too much, or maybe under-valuing others I work with?
Honestly, at 23 you are not likely to be viewed as "senior" experience. Most likely you aren't but anything is possible. "Good" and "senior" are not the same thing, however. I would wager that there is a level of professional maturity gained through experience that is not available at 23 years of age (in my experience, I'm 43 and have been a developer for 22 years) but I would not generalize about anyone as I don't know the OP.
Additionally, many people think "senior" involves programming skills only. It does only in part. If you know how to do the work and do it well then that may be half the battle at best. Surviving in the professional world requires good soft skills - typically only gained through experience - more than anything else. I'm sure a monkey could be taught to develop but to be a solid resource is another issue. Of course, architecture and design skills come into play, too.
That said, nobody should be disrespected anywhere. I would quietly start looking for a new job.
Seriously dude! 6-15 mid-level? Are you telling about yourself?
Boy... What a small world you are living in
This varies with country. If you are in a country where a developer with 15 years experience is not the norm, do you junk the senior title? That's not how it works.
I would recommend not looking for outside validation for the work you do. It is enough that you are doing honest work and you should only look from within for validation as you know best whether you're doing good work or not.
Hello Arthur, thank you for your response.
Indeed! I'm not saying I search validation, I mean I literally loose lots of opportunities because my bosses/colleagues/company thinks I'm less qualified than I am and don't recognize my work.
So it's not really about how others see me or my work, but how can I prevent or stop them of treating me as if I know nothing!
Can I suggest, if you're not getting due respect from your work colleagues, that you do things like speak at user groups and conventions, create and demo stuff that you're enthusiastic about outside work, and show off your skills. If your colleagues see it, and see other people giving you kudos, it might wake them up to their crappy attitude - and if not, you'll have raised your own visibility in the tech community to the point where headhunters might well come looking for you, to get you to join another company for more money.
In any case, it's pretty much best practice these days to change jobs every 2-3 years, so you don't get stagnant.
Hello, Matt!
Totally agree. Actually - it's what I've been doing, and I've received lots of proposals and attention, even though because of other personal reasons I couldn't accept them.
Still, I'm wondering how even after you're seeing someone that works for/with you is doing 'great' things, you still treat them as if they were a zero? I've been in a really unrealistic situations because of this.
I totally think there must be other private reasons to get this kind of attitude towards someone and they don't even care if you're good or successful, they'll keep on with that attitude.
By all means, build your brand and visibility, but you don't have to prove yourself to assholes. Just don't work with them. If you need a new job I'm happy to help you search.
Agreed. Also, bad treatment may the result of jealousy and an indicator that the person receiving bad treatment is doing a great job
Respect and decency != Validation.
Where was OP talking about validation?
First of all it's really unfortunate that you had this kind of experience. Yeah. It happens. I am also going through the same situation. I think it all depends upon the company culture. Some have a toxic and aristocratic culture. In my opinion, they are fearful of the young talent and they see it as a threat to their positions. So, my advice is to find a good company which I am personally doing as well. I hope we both get better jobs with good culture soon.
Saeed, thank you so much for your response.
It's truly sad we're in the same situation, but of course it can be as you say and the key is probably finding a company that isn't afraid of young talent. I wish luck to both of us, let's find a good new path :)
To change culture, you need to replace 30% of workforce, or work hard maybe years to change engrained behaviours. You're probably better off talking to your boss or bosses boss about these issues, maybe drop some external hints to help then see their dysfunctions, then move on.
Dear Desireβ
I am a CTO for an international software company. I have taken time out of my schedule to write this for you as it is something I have experienced time and time again and is a concern for me.
I am double your age and manage teams of engineers and designers. Some have Ph.D.βs others have no degrees. Some have education and others are self-thought. I understand the value of people within our organization. Without knowing both sides of this story, what you are describing appears to be a cultural fit issue. My reason for saying this is that if it were to do with your hard-skills, and your work was not up to scratch, they would have let you know by now.
Being young, your soft-skills are still developing so my best advice is to communicate this with them effectively. Itβs really a three-step process depending on the organizational structure.
Approach the person or persons at an appropriate time (timing is everything, your message needs to be impactful so pick a good time to speak to them) and tell them how you feel. Many peopleβs personalities donβt often see wrong in what they are doing until its highlighted and often when it is, itβs kind of embarrassing for them. You are essentially highlighting a personality character flaw.
Failing this, approach their managers describing your problem as unbiasedly as possible to mediate.
If still unresolved, approach the CTO / CEO.
With each meeting, ensure you follow this up with an email to the party/parties to solidify your message. It also gives you proof and is good for record-keeping.
Sometimes people fall out of line and need corrective disciplining. As a CTO, I encourage office banter to happen as itβs a means of team bonding and builds character, but not at the expense of professionalism. Once a boundary has been crossed, this is a red flag for me and action needs to be taken.
Donβt be afraid to speak up because only through communication can things be resolved. There is a reason why you are writing this message else you would have resigned already. Probably you are happy with your work, the projects you are getting and perhaps even have some colleagues there you view as friends. Knowing this, the advice I have given here is the correct process to follow to reach results.
If after time the problem remains unresolved, then itβs time to consider moving along. There is nothing worst then being in a firm where the cultural fit does not match with you. If management allows this behavior to occur then they are to blame, not you! In this case, they are not a good fit for you. A safe and happy working environment where you can thrive and spread your wings is essential personal growth and career development. Once it reaches this point, you would be wise to let the CTO/CEO know your reason for your resignation. Remember, they are learning too.
I hope my advice helps you become the person you want to be. Donβt be influenced by negative thoughts where doubt creeps in but rather continue in your pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. Life is short, follow your path. It will lead to something wonderful.
Move past it or drown in it.
My path is self-taught > freelance > college > own business (product dev + freelance consulting) > university > hit β¬16k/mo in passive income w/ own product > continue mix of product dev & consulting.
I started coding at 9, I'm 28 now. Always had at least one person complain or gatekeep. Still have that today.
It won't end, because the problem isn't that you lack any capacities.
The problem is emotional and political.
Even if you'd be a renowned personal consultant of world leaders with great success, people who disagree with their politics enough will bend the truth to convince themselves that you can't possibly be any good. To do so would be to admit that their (self-invented) "opponent" can be right and make good decisions, which goes against black/white "us vs them" thinking.
That's politics.
The same happens on an emotional level with their personal beliefs: Admitting your skills are good starts with admitting that you grew faster in your field than they did at that age. They might fear they missed out, or were "slower". They make the mistake of thinking lives need to be compared.
One of the best devs I've ever met was a 13-year old that I met when I was 16. We're no longer in touch, but I'm sure his life wasn't easy. It already wasn't at 13.
My advice: C'est la vie. Move away from those who pull you down, move towards those who support you unconditionally.
You can't prevent others making mistakes, but that doesn't mean you have to make one by staying in an environment that holds you back.
(Unconditionally is a key word. If it's conditional, they won't allow unrestrained personal development.)
If you like your job, you don't have to leave. It's not your fault.
Document it. With dates, names. Just in case anyone questions you about it.
Ask a senior manager if you can start a workplace program -- either a workplace discrimination training program, or a women in tech group. They may ask why or you may mention you feel targeted and would like people to be more aware of their biases.
Find a mentor who believes in you and can back you up.
Good luck!
Hi Michael, thank you so much for your response!
I never thought about it, but you're totally right. It reminds me of an advice I was given when I started my career: "never pick up calls. Tell everyone to email you with their needs, because if they say something wrong you'll have proofs".
Thank you for your honest words, I'll try to practice it!
When you've worked at enough places, you'll realize that some companies/people are just not worth working for/with. So that's my advice, keep upgrading your skills and looking for new jobs until you find an environment that you like.
I face this problem everyday being a UI developer, especially from people who have never worked in UI. What is more disheartening is posts/memes bashing HTML/CSS on programming/development centric platforms. Every technology has its uses, yes you cant hack NASA using HTML in same way you cant make UI using MySQL. Its sad that many so-called Senior developers disrespect a technology so much despite it being used everywhere.
No one should ever be ignored (and much less disrespected!) no matter if they are junior or senior. Everyone's ideas deserve to be heard and respected. It's important to remember that it's not your fault, you don't need to be more assertive, or fight to be respected (if you did, they would probably say you are too agressive or stuff like that anyway). It's their fault. In my experience it's really hard to change a company's culture by yourself, so I agree with the rest of the comments, the best you can do is keep looking for better places to work at. It's not always easy but πͺ
NΓΊria! Thank you so much for your response π!
You're totally right. Actually there was one time I tried to 'fight' them. The next day I was humiliated in front of the whole team saying "I had an unprofessional attitude and I couldn't be like that in a job". Funny thing, I just said "you can't put more than 15 things in the same menu, you will make the user go crazy". So yes, totally.
Thank you for your kind words, it's not easy but it'll be worth I'm sure π
My two cents: I do not think it is because of being self-taught, at least not in Barcelona, I do believe is mostly because we have lots of companies with shitty management in this city.
Just search for a startup or startup-like company that are more preoccupied with the quality of your work and character and does not have time for stupid office politics and ego plays.
We have a general problem that companies search for a person that can do the job of at least 3 more roles apart of their role. Isn't that a more persistent problem in start-ups because the lack of general resources? Or is it better? What is your experience?
100%
Startups can be far worse than established companies because of lack of resources, external pressures, uncertainty, immaturity, etc etc etc
I would look for established companies that people you admire recommend for good reasons (not ping pong + food).
Barcelona may be a tough tech scene but there are good companies everywhere. Happy to share more notes about evaluating company culture if it would help.
True, they can be far worse but they can be rewarding too. Especially if they end up being a successful establishment. High risk High returns.
In my experience. I have had more opportunities to show what I know and learn new skills at start-ups. The lack of resources is what provides these opportunities if you're willing to continually self teach and anticipate a need.
Usually yes, you would do a lot of different things on a startup but you will be recognized for it and valued while at the same time learning and improving as a professional a lot.
Not everyone have the mindset required to work on a startup but I definitely recommend trying it out.
For better or worse I have never seen anyone get respect by demanding it. Not once.
I have sometimes seen people get respect by proving they deserve it. Sometimes.
The only consistent way I've seen anyone get the respect of their peers - from "junior" to "director" - is reciprocity.
People respect the people who make them feel respected. They disrespect the people who don't. We are emotional creatures - not logical ones - and merit really doesn't come into it.
In fact, being 23 and even asking for more recognition - even though it sounds like you've totally earned it - probably makes people who have worked longer in a similar position feel devalued. They'll likely react by devaluing you (and they won't know that's why they're doing it).
It's not fair, it's not right, but... It is hackable.
Wherever you are currently - if you're still dealing with this - invest some time and effort in letting your co-workers know (whether they are over or under you) that you value their experience, skills and contributions. (And be genuine, if you don't actually value them then work on convincing yourself first).
I bet it won't be long before the same people who insist you're only junior start saying "You know, I know she's young, but she really deserves some recognition."
Your advice is a little strange given she never asked to be senior and nowhere did it mention she doesn't show respect or recognition to her co-workers. What are you basing your prescription on?
You know what's worse than being at an intermediate level? Baseless assumption and projecting. Even worse than that is giving advice based on assumption and projecting.
She mentions asking to be senior in the post about Smart City jobs that she links to in this one. It sounds like she was not only told "no" but was told "no" in a very public and humiliating way - which is awful. I don't blame her a bit for leaving that situation.
I don't believe I said anywhere that she doesn't show respect or recognition to her co-workers. I have no idea what her relationship with her co-workers is like. Sorry if I implied that I did.
I'm sharing what I know from experience does/doesn't work when cultivating respectful relationships with co-workers. That's the best way I can help: give my best advice. If she's already been following it then it can't hurt to hear it again - and if it's a new way to think about it then I've been helpful.
Most of the comments I saw - both positive or negative - have focused on merit (whether someone does/doesn't deserve respect). I thought it would be useful to point out the emotional (and less rational) side of things.
(Edit: I checked the Smart City link again to make sure I wasn't mis-remembering. Here's what she says:
"I didn't quitted because I disliked my job, I quitted because I felt I was working too much for a "junior programmer" and without any recognition. I was denied many petitions and humiliated in front of my colleagues many times."
I assumed the "petitions" mentioned were requests to not be labeled "junior programmer". To your point that doesn't mean she was specifically asking to be labeled "senior". I'll edit my original comment.
And to make myself exceptionally clear - if she was asking to be "senior", or any other specific title - I'm not saying it was wrong to do so. Just trying to point out that it might contribute to a subconscious bias from people who have been in the industry longer. That bias isn't something we should accept or encourage - but it is something we can be aware of and manage.)
Sorry but you're misunderstanding and just guessing what my petitions are, I still don't know why people in comments are talking about senior or junior when I never said anything about it.
My "petitions" were more formation, a flexible schedule and a pay rise according to the responsabilities I had, responsabilities that weren't appropiate for a junior title.
Thank you for your response and have a nice day.
Your workplace is toxic, and unless you have a few colleagues who are on your side, you should just leave.
If you surround yourself with like minded people, you will get positive feedback, even if it doesnΚΌt come from your immediate colleagues. It will help a lot, and if you can stay positive despite all the toxicity around you, your environment will change; positivity is contagious.
Even if you have some people with you, you might have no luck turning things to a positive. If you can convince a few people to leave the company together with you, it will have a strong message to management. Story time:
I was working for the local division of a Hungarian company. We were treated badly, worked much harder than we should had, and didnΚΌt get a raise for years. After negotiating for weeks without the smallest success, about 40 of us left the company. We all mentioned the same reasons during our exit talks. Few months later we heard from people who stayed that they are treated much better in a lot of ways, salary raise included. Even though my ex boss doesnΚΌt seem to recognise me on the street to this day (it was more than 10 years ago), iΚΌm glad we could do this for those people even if we werenΚΌt there to enjoy.
I had about 8 jobs since then, and now iΚΌm a CTO of a company that turned profitable without serious external (VC) money. We all respect each other, most of us even treating each other as friends, not just colleagues. But i truly needed all the bad experiences so now i know how to build a successful and emotionally healthy organisation.
Be brave to change. It will turn to better.
Thank you for your words, Gergely.
Your honesty and story are both inspiring to me. I indeed recognise this kind of attitude as toxic and "not normal", even though I haven't been in that many companies.
I've always felt that people saying "just endure and stay" are wrong. If you feel you're not comfortable and that the situation won't change leaving seems the best option for me. As you say, if you're followed by others who feel the same way, it can turn out better.
I'll follow your advice, thank you so much for sharing this very pesonal experience, all the best in your career as CTO!
Hi DesirΓ©, I deeply sympathize with your situation. Just to put things in perspective: I'm male, 32 years old, graduated top of my class at the age of 21, have several certifications, over a decade of professional experience, my fair share of open source contributions, as well as several keynotes under my belt. I often receive dozens of contacts from recruiters in a single day. In many ways I have the kind of CV that is very marketable. Still, I can mention more than one team / company where people where very dismissive about my ideas, and sometimes plain rude too my face (from junior team members telling that they were too busy to waste their time giving me a hand, to managers telling other team members that "I keep trying to save the World with insignificant task X"). Honestly, the most dismissive teams always have the worst codebase, chaotic support schedules and no process. The most dismissive teams are often doomed and just gave up trying. The problem is not your age, gender or the fact that you are self-taught. Really, It's not you, it's them. You know what? It's a seller's market. I'll echo what everyone else is saying. Focus on landing your next job and make sure that it comes with at least a 20% raise. There are better companies around, you may have to hop jobs, maybe one, maybe 10, maybe 100 times but eventually you will find a place where you'll fit in. And if you can't find a great job, you will have enough experience to create your own. Don't let anyone get to you. Stay confident and take action (believe me, I had my fair share of self doubt over the years). As Steve Jobs once said: Stay hungry, stay foolish.
I have a bachelor's degree, but there have been developers who were pretty nasty to me. At the very least, they talk(ed) down to me. I am actually in the midst of writing an article about toxic developers. It's a real issue in the industry.
Sorry for your experience, I see toxic devs are just everywhere and in every shape and form... I'm willing to read that article, hope it comes out pretty soon!
Thanks! I will keep you posted once I've written it. My opinion on toxic is going to cast a wider net than people simple being mean. I mean, I've worked places where I felt invisible. I think if it bothers you, find a nice podcast or some good songs to listen to and enjoy the lack of attention you get. As per people treating you rudely, I'd say as long as you were at your current job for a year or better, you technically don't have to deal with it anymore. Some place will treat you right. Remember: you will always stand to make more money finding a new job than at your current. Use their disdain toward you to fuel your move onto bigger and better things. And if you really love the tech, that's understandable, but you might love the tech at another company, better.
It sounds like you are working in a very toxic environment with a lot of people who are projecting their own misery and insecurities onto you. I definitely recognize the behaviour you are describing and I have experienced it myself - btw I am also a female intermediate developer with about 3 years at my current company. I think it's no secret that there is a pattern of women being undervalued and or silenced in the workplace in general, whether intentional or not, but interestingly I have only ever experienced this kind of attitude from outside of the engineering department. Predictably, almost all my dev colleagues are male, but I have always found every single one of them to be incredibly supportive, respectful and encouraging. I have however been treated 'like an idiot', over-explained incorrect information or straight up ignored by a lot of male co workers outside of the department or in management. The common theme is it's usually those who are either trying desperately to migrate into a dev role but lack the skills, or have long since left behind any technical work in favor of a more administrative position. I therefore have a suspicion that the root cause of this kind of disrespect comes from a place of fear or feeling threatened - by belittling someone and painting them as inexperienced, pointing out how they are 'junior' etc, they believe they can boost the public perception of their own expertise.
Obviously it's objectively very unprofessional and douchey to act like this, but in a toxic environment of like minded people they will get away with it. I recommend, like others have, looking for a company with a more healthy culture of encouragement and positive feedback. If you stay in a toxic work culture that doesn't make you feel validated it can end up severely affecting your everyday happiness and no one should have to put up with that at work. I can tell that you are not an arrogant person who overestimates themselves from the way you phrased this post, but exhibits of such assholes can be seen in a few of the comments here.
I hope your situation improves - just remember the vast majority of good engineers are supportive and kind and if someone feels the need to talk down to you and tell you your opinions are 'crap', that's a 'them' problem.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words!
As seeing your perspective and experience I can say you're totally right. I've been thinking it was my fault somehow, that maybe I couldn't get where I wanted because I wasn't good enough and everyone was making me go slower when by myself I was achieving great things (giving conferences, teaching, being a LinkedIn instructor...), but now that you've exposed it like that I definitely can see it crystal clear.
We won't ever be able to keep the good vibes with everyone, specially with those that, as females or just because they see us as a threat, will try to let us down and demotivate us...
Thank you again and have a really nice day.
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