Trouble maker and Problem solver ⚙️🔧
Loves simplicity, hates bullshit 💩.
Productivity obsessed, avid learner 🖥🚀
Sport and outdoor freak 🧗⛰
Metalhead 🎸🤘 Father of 2 👨👩👦👦
Opinions are my own
nice summary and interesting post.
I read this book long time ago together Emotional Intelligence by Goleman and Parent Effectiveness Training by Gordon ( which is as the title says more focused on parenting, but it touches a lot of the ideas of NVC, like not being judgemental, express your needs and feelings, dont mix demands and requests, as well as understand if you are okey with requests being rejected and why that upsets you)
I love the topic, still i have mixed feelings about it. I love NVC and I know it is the right approach. but I hate it because in my utopic world it should not be necessary...
if you have the task of taking out the rubbish bin and you dont do that ( because of reasons). well.. admit that and take it out. why feeling offended or attacked, why do i need to rephrase everything to not put you in the corner ?
if we are pair programming and you check your phone or read a newspaper, you are being incredibly unpolite and unprofessional, and you are missing the point why we are doing pair programming at all.. why do i need to explain you that in nice words. it should simply be not necessary.
if i ask you CAN you deliver? I do that because i want to know if you can / if you are able / if it's possible. otherwise i would say, please deliver. but then i could sound rude. and anyway, if as a boss someone asks or demands something that needs to be done, it means it needs to be done. as simple as that.
I took the example a bit to the extreme, just wanted to make my point that I love NVC as much as I love productive quick straigthforward communication :-)
Thanks for that elaborate response! I 100% share your thoughts. As with a lot of things, it would be great if they weren't needed at all. What helped me was thinking about it like that:
If I'm in a situation that doesn't make me happy I essentially have two options. Keep staying unhappy or actively do something about it. NVC helps me become happier again. Of course, it is rude of the other person to be on the phone. However, I won't make the situation any better (now and in the future) if I snap at them. If I use NVC in this context my hope is that (a) the current situation improves immediately and (b) I've given the other person an actual chance to self-reflect and also change their behavior in the future. And the chance of (b) happening is enough for me to stick with it. Even if every encounter only results in a 1% change for the better then this accumulates to a HUGE change to the better over time.
Sometimes, of course, there are situations where this doesn't work at all. That's the truth. I just decided that I won't let my actions be dictated by the 10% (assumption) of cases where NVC doesn't work but rather by the 90% where it does.
Trouble maker and Problem solver ⚙️🔧
Loves simplicity, hates bullshit 💩.
Productivity obsessed, avid learner 🖥🚀
Sport and outdoor freak 🧗⛰
Metalhead 🎸🤘 Father of 2 👨👩👦👦
Opinions are my own
nice summary and interesting post.
I read this book long time ago together Emotional Intelligence by Goleman and Parent Effectiveness Training by Gordon ( which is as the title says more focused on parenting, but it touches a lot of the ideas of NVC, like not being judgemental, express your needs and feelings, dont mix demands and requests, as well as understand if you are okey with requests being rejected and why that upsets you)
I love the topic, still i have mixed feelings about it. I love NVC and I know it is the right approach. but I hate it because in my utopic world it should not be necessary...
if you have the task of taking out the rubbish bin and you dont do that ( because of reasons). well.. admit that and take it out. why feeling offended or attacked, why do i need to rephrase everything to not put you in the corner ?
if we are pair programming and you check your phone or read a newspaper, you are being incredibly unpolite and unprofessional, and you are missing the point why we are doing pair programming at all.. why do i need to explain you that in nice words. it should simply be not necessary.
if i ask you CAN you deliver? I do that because i want to know if you can / if you are able / if it's possible. otherwise i would say, please deliver. but then i could sound rude. and anyway, if as a boss someone asks or demands something that needs to be done, it means it needs to be done. as simple as that.
I took the example a bit to the extreme, just wanted to make my point that I love NVC as much as I love productive quick straigthforward communication :-)
Thanks for that elaborate response! I 100% share your thoughts. As with a lot of things, it would be great if they weren't needed at all. What helped me was thinking about it like that:
If I'm in a situation that doesn't make me happy I essentially have two options. Keep staying unhappy or actively do something about it. NVC helps me become happier again. Of course, it is rude of the other person to be on the phone. However, I won't make the situation any better (now and in the future) if I snap at them. If I use NVC in this context my hope is that (a) the current situation improves immediately and (b) I've given the other person an actual chance to self-reflect and also change their behavior in the future. And the chance of (b) happening is enough for me to stick with it. Even if every encounter only results in a 1% change for the better then this accumulates to a HUGE change to the better over time.
Sometimes, of course, there are situations where this doesn't work at all. That's the truth. I just decided that I won't let my actions be dictated by the 10% (assumption) of cases where NVC doesn't work but rather by the 90% where it does.
very wise words. thanx